Turbulent Silence

Overlooked

2012-01-16T03:08:00.000+05:30

Smack

"Now what is it?"

"You're not paying attention!"

"I'm listening, say what you have to."

"Its not going to be something you like."

"I dont always like what you say, but I do still listen. "

"Well, I'm not in love anymore."

"Buy a new purse then."

"Huh?"

He turns around to look at her.

"I noticed you seem to like green a lot more now a days, buy a green one."

Whack

"What was that for?"

"I dont love YOU anymore."

"And why not?"

"Cos... well... u kno..." Hesitation

He smiles and takes her hand.

"Its just a phase baby, of course you love me. Who else would love you back like I do?'

"Youre taking me for granted!?!?"

Hugs her

"Not granted... I know you, you cant live without me. "

She mumbles...

"That is just worse."

Take me

2012-01-15T19:30:00.000+05:30

You look into my eyes
As if you see right through me
Deep inside where I am numb
It makes me feel so naked
So powerless in your arms

Take me away from here
To an island blue and green
Breathe into me, make my blood warm
like I know you can
Been frozen all this while
without your touch

Feel like I have waited for this moment
A thousand years gone by
No other touch can feel this way
No other kiss can wet these lips right

Timeless beauty
This could last forever.
Twirl me around in circles
On this moonless night
And watch me get dizzier in your trance
This moment wont pass soon
Take me now…

50 amazing years!

2012-01-06T00:50:00.000+05:30

I was asked to come up with a few lines for my grandparents Golden Jubilee. I was given 10 mins. This taught me that improv makes it so much more personal and cute.

The couple on their wedding day

I have been so lucky

I've been taken care of by you

You fed, bathe, taught me

even advised me often too

Today as both of you look back

with happiness and pride

Upon the fifty cherished years

That you've spent side by side.

May every memory you share

Of dreams you've seen come true,

Help make this special Golden day

A happy one for you!

I pray that I learn to love

like you two love each other

When I make it to 50 I will say

"I learnt from my Grandpa and Grandmother"

Lingering something...

2011-09-23T03:12:00.000+05:30

My head begins to spin,
Reaching out for something as support...
I find your hand.
Your warmth makes my heart beat faster and slower
both at the same time.
I know its clichéd
But its true.

I wanna be the warm morning breeze
That floats calmly across your face,
Leaving just a misty feeling as proof of its existence.

I wanna tickle your senses
Like a sour grape in winter
that you wish you never tasted, cos now you cant get enough.

Its on an island.. Blue and green,
You take away the fear of water from inside me,
And fill the spaces with nothing
But sweet somethings that linger.

The last Descent

2011-09-23T03:00:00.000+05:30

The dress was a perfect fit. It made her hips look rightly shaped. Her breasts were full and sensuous, completing the curve that was deemed perfect. She finally noticed how much weight she had lost over the past year. Last year, she wouldn’t have been able to sport this red-sequined, body-fitting Armani. Her shoulders were bare and looked slightly slouched and so she straightened up. Smoothened a crease on the waist and noticed him walk in.

She smiled at him through the mirror as he came to a halt right behind her. He had a look in his eyes, she realized, that she didn’t recognize. Maybe it was because it had been months since they looked at each other this way. Weeks since they had seen each other with the lights on. She regretted coming home so late every night. But she consoled herself by thinking, it was necessary, I know he understands. He helped her clip on the diamond necklace she was struggling with. And she smiled again. Again, he didn’t return it. She noticed the wrinkles for the first time tonight. He even had bags under his eyes. She felt miserable about how she hadn’t had the time to hold him close and ask him about his day. Tonight, she promised herself, tonight she would give him the world and more. I’ll do all it takes to make him happier than he has ever been before. Now that the dust had finally settled, they could enjoy each other, again.

She took his arm and they calmly walked out the room. As they stood there on top of the staircase, she looked out at her world. Everyone was there, her past, present and hopefully future too. She turned to her right and looked at her real world, tall and handsome. He made her feel 16 again. She smiled at him brightly and he didn’t return it. She had been so distant lately that she could no longer tell what the stern look meant. He knew this and so he made it easy for her and said “I want a divorce.”

Being this new woman she had recently become, she didn’t show any hint of emotion to that line. He doesn’t mean that! Or does he? She thought to herself and looked ahead at the guests. They began their decent down the white marble staircase, all throughout smiling her best smile. No one was going to be allowed into the closet she was hiding her emotions in. She was shattering, one little piece at a time.

How could he do this tonight?

“Oh, what a lovely dress that is.”

In front of everyone here, tonight?

“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you both”

After all we have been through. Tonight?

“Look how perfect they look together. You cant help but be jealous”

Just when everything has finally fallen into place. Tonight?

It was only 7 years ago, to this day, that he had promised to stick by her, through sickness and health, through the good times and the bad.

Then why, tonight?

Handover

2011-09-23T02:46:00.000+05:30

I can no longer hold onto
these reigns that bruise my palms,
hurt my arms.
So I let it slide away
and await the sound of the crash.

The ton of emotions
weighs down on my chest.
Subdued sounds of bump-bump
can barely be heard.
So I stand upright
and await the impending relief.

My eyes can no longer
see the horizon beyond this
pile of words
all stacked up so unevenly.
One swing of my arms
and they scatter all over

I now wait for you,
to gather up this burden
I've carried this too far too long now.

Don't look behind

2011-09-23T01:49:00.000+05:30

I need you.

But I will tell you what I don’t need. I definitely don’t need the drop in my self- confidence. I do not want the incessant need for over protection masked with “care”. I do not demand to be told what my life is “supposed” to be.

I have never known of myself as one to follow norms. Do I look like I care about what society thinks? I love my god but I do not believe he put me here with a script written so next time you tell me I was “born” to do a woman’s job, slap yourself.

Actually, just slap yourself anyway. You managed to turn a brightly coloured tiger lily that’s full of life and energy into this ugly weed that is just lying there waiting to be uprooted and thrown away.

I told you. Don’t change me. You should have just let me be.

Now, do all you think you can to turn the clock back.

My ray of sunshine

2011-09-20T11:10:00.000+05:30

You know the feeling, when all you do is stare at your screen and smile to eternity?

The feeling of knowing that there are people who came into your life and just stayed there, never once complaining that you don’t say hi anymore or that you don’t keep them updated on your life anymore. And no matter the distance, no matter the time lapse, you can still pick up where you left off.

Its best when it happens at that moment when you have cursed every other thing and wished for a simple happy life. You see that ray of light blinding you and calling out to you.

Change is constant

2011-09-20T09:30:00.000+05:30

Life is about reaching somewhere.

Its always like that. You wake up everyday with a drive to something. Everyone I know has a goal. It’s the reason you wake up on a Monday morning.

Mine changes everyday.

Once upon a time...

2011-09-20T02:03:00.000+05:30

..there was a princess and now she’s got her fairy tale.

She stands a few inches above 5 feet and owns thebrightest smiles I’ve seen yet. When she laughs for real it’s from her heartand you can really tell from the sound. She has come a long way from wearingbraces and crazy weird denims that would go all the way above the place it’ssupposed to be at, to being a successful young lady who works with Citi Groupin the USA for the past 4 years.

She is the daughter that her dads boasts of, ahard working girl who makes her mom’s heart leap when she says “what’s up mummadarling?” and a sister who is always there to listen to drunken woes over theweekends even though its 1 in the afternoon on her Saturday off work.

I do not know of one person who dislikes her.

And she has now met her prince. He towers above her at an inch above 5'11", a broad built and smart (from the three oddconversations that I have had with him) hard-working guy who can hold up a veryintellectually stimulated conversation (and we all know how tough that is tocome by with men). Truth is, when he is around, I have seen her glow. Youcan imagine a pretty thing like her would look even more stunning with thathappy aura around her.

Their story is beautiful because… she is marrying herbest friend.

For years they have been by each other through the upsand downs, through the sickness and the good moments. So they finally figuredthat there was something more to this. They’ve done more than stick to vows offriendship for so many years and they realized that they wouldn’t find anyoneelse who would fit so perfectly into their lives.

They tie the knot in the eleventh month of this year and Icouldn’t be more excited. I am hoping to write a lot more about the wholeaffair from the end of October to the wedding. After all, she is my sister.

Stop and feel

2011-08-12T19:22:00.003+05:30

Oh heart, my heart
why do you ache so?
This is the way that life is to be

The pain has been divided
over the world, to every creature
The tears have been shared
by every soulful eye he created
The joy to everyone that breathes
has been rightfully allotted

Yet Life did its justice
When it chose you to bear this burden,
it looked at you,
realized your strength,
knew what you could bear

So know this
oh heart, my heart
What you hold in you
is what you deserve

It’s only your share of pain
that you need to bear
Do not hurt for the rest

It’s only your load of tears
that you need to shed
Don't be greedy for another’s

It’s only your bounty of joy
that you need to hold on to

But life never stopped you
from multiplying your love
For that is the one weight
you can carry fourfold your size

You are and always will be
Oh heart, my heart

punctuate this!

2011-07-03T02:39:00.000+05:30

i am lost in what i think others want me to do, think and feel

if i like a movie, book or piece of art that u dont, well bloody hell i want to like it cos i do! i want to do it without conviction and judgements from u

but actually, to hell with ur judgements

and i dont like everything i say i do. most of the times i just say i do. but well hypocrite, so do u! i want away from the worry of not being liked for saying what i feel and how i feel it. for needing to stop writing cos i dont want 'u' to read.

i love me more than i know i do. its ok if u dont. its ok if u read and say 'what a bore' or 'how could she dare say something like that' cos i do not want u to care anymore.

if i dont like what ur wearing, il write it. just be happy im not saying it out loud!

if i think ur a jerk and u cant lead a team, il say it. thank ur stars im nt saying it to the others.

online.. u dont know me, i dont know u...

its a blog! lets keep it at that, shall we?

Justifying it in your head

2011-05-07T20:55:00.000+05:30

So it feels mixed.

You are relieved that you no longer need to prove ur location, reason for being there, reason for no prior notice of going there, justification of why the other people wanted you to be there..

You are calm, cos suddenly missing a call isn't going to send you to hell, leaving ur phone on the desk plugged in to get charged isn't a crime and you don't need to practice ur reason for receiving a late night call..

You are lost cos you don't know what to do with ur weekend cos ur friends are so used to you nt being around that they don't even consider planning it with you..

You are scared cos ur not sure who to go to the movies with. You can't ignore the constant feeling of running out of time cos you have very little to find someone new..

You are empty cos you don't know who will hold you when you cry. You don't know who you will call to pour out ur heart to. You don't know what to do with a long weekend.

You avoid.. Ur iPod cos every song hurts. Places, people, thinking, conversations, the mirror, sleep, mornings, nights, food, the clock, facebook, anything red, anything blue, anything white, life...

You search.. For a place to go cos you constantly want to be alone, for a thing to do so you stay occupied and don't think about memories, for reasons to stay back in office, for reasons why leaving him wasn't a bad idea..

But all you will hear on the outside is everyone tell you that you need to give it time..

And everything just justifies why its called a Break-up

Pushing too hard

2011-04-25T19:06:00.000+05:30

Disarm yourself.

Heard this song that a friend shared with me this morning. It felt the best just listening to it on a loop. Its odd how a trance song that says the same thing to you repetitively can feel so good. But he sure did make my Monday so much better. Thank you Ab.

Don’t you miss yourself?

The song asked me. And that is all I have been saying since the past few months. I don’t know how and when the change happened; I didn’t realize how it was affecting my life and the ones around me. But I’m here now and I want “me” back. I used to be so much fun, I enjoyed my own company. I was reminded of a very close friend in college, who once wrote me a long letter on my birthday and put it in a huge birthday card. This is what I remember of it clearly (and what a way with words he had, especially beautiful because we took the French class together and he wrote it to me in french)

“Vous etes la fille la plus spirituellement magnifique que j'aie jamais rencontres. Vous ne laissez jamais le monde vous rendre triste. Et quand tu es triste dans ton coeur, personne ne peut savoir en raison de votre sourire eclatant qui ne s'effacent jamais. Apres quelques annees, lorsque nous nous reunirons, nous serons heureux et nous allons embrasser. Je sais que je vais voir le meme sourire. Vous ne devez pas perdre vous.”

My French wasn’t as good at that time (I actually pretended it wasn’t as I knew it would sound soo much more awesome when he read it out) so I asked him to translate it for me. And it reads…

You’re the most spiritually gorgeous girl I have ever met. You don’t let the world get you down. And when you are falling apart inside, no one would know because of the beautiful smile that never fades. Years later when we meet out of the blue and you run up to me and hug me with excitement, I know I will see the same smile. Don’t lose yourself.

But I think I did.

Word Vomit

2011-03-14T02:37:00.000+05:30

I think I have lost my filter.

That is truly the first line that popped into my head after I had spoken my first sentence this morning. Lately, I don’t stop myself before blurting out the thoughts in my head. It’s only the most extreme situations when my brain says, “You’re screwed if you say another word”.

This realization also comes out of the fact that the past month I have been doling loads of mad advice to a friend about her relationship. Now through it all, I keep hearing her say time and again how he won’t let her do anything she wants to do. Like for instance, she’d want to go out dancing with her friends and all he would say is, “I don’t think that is a good idea”. Never does it occur to her that she could just say, “Well I think it’s a great idea, I’ll see you when I’m back!” Post him saying this, she would just get upset, hang up and cry. Then later give him grief about how he won’t ever let her live her life, how he is crushing her freedom, after which she would call me up and relate the whole thing. While she talks, in the back of my head I'm thinking 'if someone pushes you around in a relationship, you are the one who tolerated it more than once, didn't put your foot down and stop it then - it is all your fault.' But I am the queen of words when it comes to advice and the pauper when I have to use it for myself, so I stopped myself from saying that to her. But her situation changes everyday, yet the end is the same every time. So, one day I can’t take it any more and I just blurt out “it’s entirely your fault that this relationship is getting screwed. It’s not gonna work out and I think he should just leave you”. And my head echoed softly ‘oops, word vomit’.

Now there are two reasons why this sentence sounded wrong to both of us at first. One, I am those feminist types who believe that it is unfair for a guy to stop a woman from doing what she desires. Two, being her friend I am supposed to be supportive of her. So now I sit there with my hands cupping my mouth – for fear of some more trouble coming out of it, thinking fast about my words, searching for a way to explain myself. I do manage to gather my thoughts right and explain it to her. I didn’t apologize for what I said; I merely explained my theory further.

I will tell you why I do think it’s her fault.

In relationships, the truth is that your first quarter is what sets the bar. If you start allowing your partner to believe that his/her words are carved in stone, there is nothing stopping him/her from doing that to you all your life with him. If you allow your belle to call you while you are with your boys, there's no way you can stop him/her seven months down the line saying “You can’t do it”, cos it’s too late by then. Then the most cliché line in the history of relationships comes up, “You don’t love me like you used to. You have changed!” Irony is that I learnt this from the man I am currently seeing. But I’ll give you this, it’s so true and if you go by it, there is no way you can ever complain unless you really have changed.

Now this won’t apply to you folks who have been with you sweetheart since you could say “mama”. You two have to adapt to change cos you are growing up together. But if you are 20+, seeing someone new, all you need to do is be honest with the person you are seeing. If you are going to argue about the fact that too much information is never good, well then genius, I don’t ever remember saying that you need to sit the person down and freak them out with news about how you once had UT infection. Just take it slow and be yourself. Don’t be the person you think they want you to be. Don’t bloody preempt what they are feeling cos you’re getting way ahead of yourself then. If they liked you in the first place, its cos of the things you are. If you don’t like football, don’t pretend you do cos he loves it. Say you will join him for the game cos you want to see his joy when the team scores. When she asks you to eat pasta and you just can’t stand the sight of it, tell her you would have a pizza instead and allow her to order her pasta. The day you find yourself going too many extra miles because of the butterflies in your tummy, stop and think about what you may be doing. Butterflies get tired of fluttering sometimes you know, and the day they are resting could very well be the day you wake up to reality and practicality. I think it’s totally unfair to give someone something that you know you can’t keep giving forever. Especially if that something is the new self you changed into just to make them happy.

Expectation is the mother of all miseries. Don’t let someone you love feel it unless you are sure you can live up to it.

Fattyness

2011-01-10T18:34:00.002+05:30

What happens when a trigger happy person like me just hates taking pictures with her own face in it?

I never fully understood what it felt like when chubby women said to me "I hate my own pictures". Now I can fully gauge what it feels like to dislike ur own reflection. I can't stand to see my once so flat tummy stick out like santa's happy belly. My face now has a double chin! My arms are as large as my thighs used to be...

I've always loved food. Cheesecake, pasta, pani puri, chicken lollipops... Everything! Now I'm scared that the thought of it might just make me fatter! I don't understand... Even before.. I used to eat just this much. I never gained this way.. Now I bloat with just day of outside food.

I want to be slim and pretty again. I want to lie flat on my back and look down to see my toes without having to look over the mound of fat! I want to turn heads. I want to be able to wear tube tops without having to be bothered by my chubby arms and large shoulders.

Somehow I want my boyfriend to fall in love with me again.

Senses

2011-01-10T13:40:00.000+05:30

I stand before this world broken and unable to renew

I stand before my judges who will placate all my moves

I stand before this world that wants to take me apart

It will not replace what it has stolen

My body is battered and my eyes are swollen

My face is streaked with remnants of tears

All I am asking for is your love and the rest of all my years

The world absorb every bit of me until there is no more

It will peel back my essence and pacify my soul

It will rip apart my seems until it can take control

Look at me as I stand before you damaged from his place

Is this what you were looking for when you looked at my face?

My heart no longer beats it's true, my body grows now cold

I am searching for so much more but I can't catch hold

My bones a brittle and riddled with breaks

I don't know where you have gone; I will fight for you no matter the stakes

Stay...For all that was...

2011-01-10T00:31:00.000+05:30

When you take something and crush it with your own hands, do you still have the right to be miserable about it? Even though you were aware that it was made of precious glass?

It cuts so deep, this pain.

I managed to hurt so many people, all at once. And I did it all myself.

I’m struggling in the sea that I threw myself into. Scared about the shark below and the water all around that will drown me, for I do not know how to swim. Nor do I know how to tackle a shark. I’m sunk.

Yesterday, we grew up. Nothing will bring us back. But I will stick to you like contact-adhesive.

Please stay, don’t go away.

Dollies

2010-11-25T01:19:00.003+05:30

When mom told me she was going to have a baby, it phased me how a human being could fit into another! And how would it come out? But when she said two months later that there are two inside there… I thought to myself that my mom was just bullshitting me. At nine, I may not have been the strongest believer nor did I have a very active imagination. But she grew and she was cranky like a child most of the times. Everyone took more care of her than they usually would. I knew then that she was telling the truth. Dad wanted me to understand better and thought it was best to get me a CD that explained it all. It was a little kiddish but I got the basic point of how it happens and that it’s a normal thing.

As a kid I was really inquisitive, and that wasn’t a good thing for the nurses at the hospital that night cos I kept whining and trying to get into the operation theatre to see how the hell they were going to remove TWO kids out of mom! But finally I gave up and paced outside the OT like an impatient dad. The nurse came running out 20 minutes later and said that the first one was a girl. Disappointing. That was what I thought. I was already building defensive arguments against sharing my clothes, shoes and dolls. The stupid nurse came out again and in a very excited note said it was ANOTHER girl! I looked at my gran and ran up to her and started crying. It was so unfair that I would have to share the attention with two girls! What if they turned out to be prettier than me?

And I was right.

I had fallen asleep crying and was lying on the extra bed in mom’s room when I woke up. Looked to my side and there was a cradle rocking to and fro. I sat up and looked in. One extremely red faced baby was lying beside a really fair one. Gorgeous little baby girls who I knew I could only love unconditionally. At least until they started talking. Both looked so peaceful and they were tightly wrapped. In my head, I wondered how far they could get if their hands and feet were left open! I sat and stared for a very long time, marveling at the beauty of life in its purest form.

I named them Snow white and Rose red, cos I clearly couldn’t call them Silvester 1 and Silvester 2 till we named them! We took them home and life changed forever.

I want to write so much more about how I learnt to feed them, dress them, bathe them, yell at them… but I’ll do it justice and take it one stage at a time. I guess this post was long pending and is still incomplete in so many ways.

If only my words could capture the million emotions that flowed through me that June 5th in 1997.

Tripping

2010-10-07T20:25:00.001+05:30

He gave me a second look and I didn’t find it odd. I actually noticed him earlier while waiting at the boarding gate for the annoying voice to call out to me. Worn out denims, pod plugged in with dark blue ear plugs, red tee that was a shade darker than my top. He’s carrying a back pack that matches his brown boots. His hair filled with gel, is pulled back into unnecessary perfection. While I noted these oddities, he notices me looking at him and nods, adding a toothy-smile. Crap! I half-smiled back to be polite. A big mistake!

The flight is unusually full today. Mostly squint-eyed people fill the seats near the window as they boarded the flight at the HK airport. So what’s left is the aisle seats. The number of babies on this flight, is unnerving. I love kids, don’t get me wrong. But from previous experiences, I know better than to occupy the front row seats. The baby cries uncontrollably because of the drop in air pressure the mom is completely unaware of what she is to do with it.

So I settle for an aisle seat in the 40^th row, “D” to be precise. The hair-gel lover is seated in “E” right beside me. Another teeth-exposing smile. I pray silently that maybe he’s shy, smart enough to not talk to me or just doesn’t know how to talk.

“Hey! On your way to Dubai?”

No… just thought that since I was bored, I’d warm this seat right here. “Of course, that is why I boarded this plane, right?”

“Oh. Ha ha, my bad! I’m not even sure of why I bothered asked you that?”

Don’t know why you bother to breathe either.

“First time to the UAE?”

Why do I feel like I’m at the UAE immigration centre all over again? What’s with the million questions? “I fly every few months. Love flying Cathay. Their flights are so peaceful and quiet.” Hint hint, please god let him get it this time.

“Oh, so you live there? Where about?”

I would have smacked my head real hard if I wasn’t struggling to take out my shoe to throw it at the question box sitting beside me.

“At the marina.”

A confused look… “Where is that? Is it near the Burj?”

Just what I needed! A guide-book reader! I have mentally slapped myself for not carrying my ‘Beware of Bitch’ sign.

“Tourist?” I ask.

“No, just visiting my uncle.”

Man, he sure didn’t look that stupid! “Oh. Have fun.”

The silence made me believe that he’d actually gotten the hint this time around.

The flight has taken off and 10 minutes after the seatbelt sign has been flicked off, he starts again.

“Maybe you could suggest a few places I must visit.”

“How long has your uncle been living there?”

“15 years,” he says proudly “isn’t that cool?”

“It’s only been 7 years for me though. So, I’m sure your uncle knows the city better.”

He leaves me alone, clearly upset at my curt response. So I take the opportunity and switch on my iPod and search for the ‘really loud music’ list. He watches me as I use the jog dial to find a nice song. He knows nothing is playing yet so he has a few seconds more to squeeze in another question.

“Whose voice soothes your soul?”

Well, certainly not yours! And are you going to get any less personal with the questions? My look startles him (I often find it tough to stop immediate reactions like an offended stare) and so, he rephrases.

“I mean, which artist do you like best?”

Much better. “Jason Mraz.”

“Is he new? Not heard of him. I am an aspiring DJ btw. I hope to spin out music and make people dance to my tunes”

Now I see his problem. He is delusional, poor guy. “Jason Mraz is a similar genre as John Mayer.”

“I don’t like that man.”

Ticked me off. “Why not?” Mental slap, reminding myself that asking a question continues the conversation, doesn’t end it. So I continue. “Well actually, you have your own views. Have a great flight!”

I’m praying silently that the rude reply to my own question keeps him shut. But I notice him fiddling with the remote control to the in-flight entertainment and I know who he is going to ask for help. Just then the captain gives my neighbor a new topic to discuss about.

“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Due to dense fog conditions we are unable to land in Dubai at this time. We have enough fuel to remain in holding position for the next two hours. I will inform you once we have clear skies to land this flight. Enjoy your flight!”

And he begins…

Tonight

2010-09-14T14:38:00.002+05:30

The door opens and it begins. The yelling and the screaming. The anger and the agitation. The television is too loud and it adds to the commotion. I think they don't realise that its 11.30 in the night.

I walk in and stroll to the last room in the house. I sit on the bed and finish watching the last episode of Castle on my iPod. Its like a drug that keeps my brain hazy when I want to get away and I can't. That and the new season of every possible soap opera.

The episode comes to an end and a new fight at home has just begun. I kick myself for getting involved. It gets nasty and I get into the next room and sit on the bed. My eyes tear up in anger. But I hate myself for the way I'm thinking right now. I want it all to end.

I write to myself a note, cos there aint no one to tell me this. "There is no room for self-pity cos there is always someone who hurts more. You can't be tired because someone else is always more tired that u. How can u be ill when someone else suffers so much more. You can't even be happy cos everyone else is sad. All you can do my sweetheart, is lie in bed and cover yourself up and cry till u can't breathe. Morning will come and another lonely day will begin. You can replenish ur stock of Gossip Girl and Grey's. Get lost in their staged world and wish u could be them. I cannot promise u about how you will feel tomorrow but I can promise you that the day will end..sooner or later and u will get ur 15mins of pure selfishness while u soak ur pillow with your tears."

Cinderella Time

2010-08-16T15:41:00.002+05:30

It had been 45 mins since the last word was spoken. He looked unaffected.

She dozes off to wake up to the sound of the rain against the window and the warm touch of his hands. He smiles and says, "Wake up sweetheart, you're missing something amazing".

They're driving down the freeway and the hills look gorgeous. Their song plays on the radio. He takes her hand and starts singing it to her while he drives. She wants to capture this moment and make it last forever so she takes out the pink camera and starts recording him go out of tune.

The butterflies in her tummy are uncontrollable.

She loves today. It feels so familar. Almost enough to give her a sense of deja vu. They stop at a red light and he reaches out for her face and pulls her close to kiss her. It was love for sure, she knew that.

She looks at her watch... Its going to strike 12. And while it does, she saw it happen. Cinderella's time was over. The glass slippers were broken, the pumpkin was smashed and the horses were mice again. Once again... the silence was back, making her deaf. She looked over to him, he would never be the same again. Indifferent towards the change and the loss. Her pride was too heavy to cry so she let just a tear escape while she looked away.

She knew it then, love once lost will never come back, no matter how much you relive the oldest bestest memory you have shared.

Robin and Ryker

2010-08-10T16:47:00.002+05:30

Robin: It’s like a permanent get-out-of-jail card, my smile.

Ryker: I can't believe I’m letting u off the hook a 2nd time.

Robin: How can you not? I’m so innocent and the halo on my head just can’t be ignored.

Ryker: You’re as innocent as jack the ripper.

And I've realized that the halo is just for show, u take the halo off when you’re alone.

Robin: For some weird reason, I like the Jack the ripper comment. I need to see a shrink.

Ryker: Dr.Vihang N.Vahia.

He's at Lilavati on Mon 8 - 10am and Sat 2 - 6pm.

Have taken an appointment for you, Sat 4pm.

Robin: Oh mann! You’re a gem (the non-shiny kind)

I'll pay him a visit. So, it’s your personal recco right?

Ryker: But I want to be the shiny kind.

No, it's Ron's recco.

My shrink hung herself last month.

Robin: A shrink would have a field day with both of us in the same room. Imagine the stuff we are talking about

Ryker: Our convo is pretty normal considering that we both are convicted arsonists.

Robin: Normal is a relative concept.

Convicted arsonists? That too? I was going with MA runaways! The reasons for being the latter could be multiple!!

Ryker: Fair point, normal is relative.

Of course, convicted arsonists. Don’t you remember we burnt a warehouse in downtown LA last year?

And what is MA?

Robin: MA is something I unnecessarily abbreviated to get you to ask.

Its Mental Asylum runaways... The place they put us in after we told them why we burnt down the warehouse?

Ryker: U purposely abbreviated it to get me to ask? And me like a naive innocent little boy fell for it. Wish I wasn’t so innocent sometimes.

Oh ya, I how can I forget the mental asylum they put us in. And no, we didn't tell them we burnt the warehouse, they caught us coz u left a 5 Spice delivery box outside the warehouse with our Boston address on it.

Robin: Innocent? Delu*cough*sional!

I told you not to order so much Chinese!! And I totally forgot the fact that I told them and wasn’t supposed to tell you that I told them.

Ryker: Don’t be mean. U wanted Chinese, not me. I wanted pancakes. But as usual u bullied me and got your way. U told them? No more burning houses or robbing banks with u, u anyway spend all the loot on shoes.

Robin: Oh man! Now I want pancakes!

I told them only about the arson... I kept mum about the forgery scam. And come on... I only have 82 pairs of shoes! That isn’t obsession, its pure love. Rachel is worse than me.

Ryker: Hot soft golden brown pancakes with thick fresh maple syrup.

U better not tell them about the kidnapping too. The problem with u is, the minute they offer u food, u blurt everything out.

82 pairs of shoes????? Your competition is not Rachel, its Imelda Marcos.

Robin: Kidnapping? Why do I not... Oh gosh! You took someone else along, didn’t you? That is why I can’t remember that part! And btw... you knew about my weakness right from the beginning!

Imelda Marcos lives in me!

Ryker: No Imelda, would I dare take someone else for the kidnapping? U don’t remember it because u were high. We shouldn't have stopped at the bar in Nashville before the kidnapping.

Bread Pudding is your weakness?

I bet u haven’t worn half the shoes u own.

Robin: I was high? All your fault for wanting to "use the washroom" or we wouldn’t have stopped in the first place! It’s like taking the horse to the water and not expecting it to drink!

Food is my weakness!! All of it... and now you've reminded me of bread pudding!!

Btw... I can’t find half of them either.

Ryker: It’s always my fault, not fair. Of course I had to use the washroom, I was driving all night while u were sleeping in the back seat. Btw, u snore.

And when u see a bar, u can't stop yourself. Have to re-check u in that rehab in Miami.

I just knew it, about the shoes. What a waste of my hard earned money.

Robin: See, you don’t let me drive cos of the narcoleptic that I am. I don’t snore after my operation.

That rehab in Miami was not nice. Can we find another one if I REALLY have to be checked in? Pretty please? Maybe the one you were stuck in would be nice... I don’t know why I get checked into the cheaper shady ones!

The shoes are not a waste!!! Don’t say it too loud... they'll hear you!!

Ryker: I don’t let u drive, but not becoz you're narcoleptic, I don’t let u drive becoz your license was revoked after u drove our car into a farmhouse near Dallas and killed an old couple who were watching 'when harry met sally'.

Btw, I have recorded your snoring on my phone, so I don't think the nose job helped your snoring.

Ok ok, I admit the Miami rehab place wasn't very good but we weren't doing well financially at that time but now that we are rich, we'll check u into Europe’s best rehab place outside Paris. And pleaase don't run away and go shopping in Paris. Btw, I’ve never been into a rehab, u do the drinking for both of us.

THE SHOES ARE A WASTE OF MONEY!!!!!!!!

Robin: It wasn’t a nose job! What bollocks!

And you have to admit, my timing was impeccable. Was just in time for the end scene where they kiss. And please, only the wife died. Coma doesn’t count as death. I know for sure the husband will thank me when he wakes, for getting rid of the nag. Remember how she whined even while dying? And finally I was right; buying a silver car was a good idea. Imagine if we’d bought the black you wanted, the scratch marks would be tear-worthy.

Let’s talk more about Paris. I get out of here in three months and I’m sure you would need to book in advance with the entire holiday crowd coming in. And let’s not make any more excuses for the delay in the allowance cheque. I’m running low on Maggi stock.

Anyways, I gotta go, they’ve got to buckle me up. It’s a bitch typing with that white-jacket on.

The above is a conversation that me and a friend had over FB messages. I don't need to tell you which one I am :P

The ride

2010-06-24T01:39:00.000+05:30

I wonder... When was it that we realized that Bombay has terrible weather every day of the year and floods easily if a shower lasts for longer than 15 minutes? Still, we get annoyed every time the rains mess up the system.

I was in a rick today, traveling from east Andheri to the west. Funny how the rick driver (who was totally excited that he now drove one of the newer models of rickshaws) decided that this was the best time to test the suspension and steering of his pimped up "ride". Suddenly he was oblivious of the potholes, extreme weather and the fact that his new rain curtains served no real purpose (but actually caused more damage by aimlessly flapping around and drenching me). He was on his way to try out for the position for 'pseudo Schumacher'. He swerved, dodged and took turns so sharp, that I felt the need to constantly shift my weight to avoid tipping over. Over the sound of the mad rainfall (pitter-patter here, would be an understatement), I am sure he thought I was enjoying and not really screaming for him to stop. And today was one of those days that god decided to shuffle through my prayer list and grant me one of my regular requests.

God, let all the signals be green!

My hands were hurting from holding onto the bar in front of me. My purse was tucked-in between my outstretched arms. My wet umbrella was drying itself by sticking to the legs of my denims. Even the east-west bridge had no traffic. God was being kind today. The seat of my denims was, now, a darker shade than the rest of my pants.

Finally, we reach Costa's and he slows down. I think this is when he realized that his ride doesn't have the "float on water" function. The area in front of the coffee shop had a little more than ankle-deep water. Here he annoys me more by telling me that the fare was Rs.39.

What? Really? Just that much for the best ride in town?

I'm not stingy, but the fact is that the meter showed 31. So, he argues and reminds me of yesterday and the reason for the strike.

Yes yes, bring back memories of my previous day's misery while attempting to make it to work.

I know that the new fare probably only comes into effect once the rate card is printed. But by this point, I just want to get away from the scary man. So, I pay him the fee he asks for and start to make my way to the coffee shop steps, wading through water that soaks the rest of my denims.

It crossed my mind… maybe "Bhaiyya jaldi lena" was a bad idea.

Color me funny!

2010-05-13T19:13:00.001+05:30

And so another day comes along and I fight hard to break the monotony by dressing like Mother Nature’s adopted daughter. I also resemble St. Patrick’s niece.

As my green painted finger nails (that match the beautiful green tick-tocks on my feet) type into the blackberry, I sit in the third row of the purple AC bus. That’s the other favorite color! To me, purple is the colour of passion. Not violet, not plum… Purple like the shade of a hickey on the first morning ;) Imagine how purple silk sheets on your bed would complement the wife’s black lingerie!

I suddenly realize that I am going to post this on my blog and my mother is a regular visitor! Note to self: calm down on the passionate part, please.

So, point is (as if there ever really is one in any of my posts) that I love colors! The natural shade of brown in my sister’s hair.. the added red, black, etc. in mine. My colorful fruit salad, the gorgeous blue bike that matches his new car, the silver pen in my colleague’s hand, the red pumps in my closet that I am so in love with, the golden second-hand ticker on the clock that hangs on the cream wall. What’s not to love? And just now… I am not kidding you about this… my podette just played Colorblind by Darius.

If you are reading this and thinking “How random!” … Well, sweetheart, the point of me owning the blog is because I want to share my randomness. I have a lot of days like this when odd thoughts in my head don’t fit into rhyme or reason.

Pray, I find a way to be more regular on my blog and not disappoint the 39 followers who like me enough to comment once in a while. ;)

Family Matters!

2010-04-07T16:07:00.002+05:30

Sometimes, we complain that life gets boring too easily. I realize that often we forget that we’re behind the wheel on the ride and have the ability to start up the engine and do something fun!

The other day, something fun happened at my humble (read: notorious) home. First to give you an idea of what it’s like usually, I will paint you a picture of the “normal day” at my house. All of the eight people in my home have different views, habits and the likes. It’s a healthy thing and one can never be bored in that kind of a mixture. Everyday there is a new problem, topic to talk about, decision to make, etc. We live in a flat that has a huge balcony and our floor is the only one with that set-up. The voice carried by the wind while standing in the balcony is magical! Everyone in the building can hear you clearly if you speak at normal decibel levels. It’s crazy how, whenever there is a fight between me and my siblings, we always find ourselves just that spot to yell and scream. Our house has only short periods when pin-drop-silence exists. It is between 2am – 5.30am, 7am – 1pm and 4pm – 6pm. As you might have guessed, this is when my little twin terrors are asleep, away at school and stuck at tuitions, respectively.

The girls have their exams on since last week. No, there isn’t peace in the house thanks to that. Actually it’s worse now. The school ends at 10am and they are home all throughout the day.

“You took my book! And look how it is now, you ruined it. Now go buy me a new one”, one yells at the other.

“Why should I buy another one? It’s only a slight tear! Stop being such a kid!” she yells back.

All these arguments are only a way to waste more time. They go on about the most trivial things. And god forbid, if one is right and I support her. The other will go all drama-queen on me with lines that start with, “Oh! You’ve never loved me! I know it now. You have always loved her more” all this with an added stream of tears and I have my very own personal English version of Meena Kumari. At the end of this week, they are on vacation for two months! How delightful!

So what makes the day (the one I was planning to talk about in this post) special?

That Sunday, six out of the eight people sat in the living room and the silence was unnerving! Two, were asleep on different couches, one was busy reading a book and the twins were busy studying their Geography. I sat there on the couch and just stared at the wall. I couldn’t find the courage to switch on the TV (cos they were finally studying!) and was too lazy to move to the other room with the TV. So, I decided to take a book and scribble. I finally ended up drawing my family tree. I finished 30% of my mom’s side and one A3 size paper was filled up. Then I realized I couldn’t remember some of them. Was utterly funny how I struggled to remember their names. Finally my granny, (who woke up cos of my weird laugh when I finally figured out the name of my aunt’s daughter’s son’s wife) started helping me. Then the girls got interested and so flew away the quiet Sunday mood.

But truly, this family effort of figuring out the tree was so much fun. All started out of boredom and ended up with mad joy that seemed like we had solved life’s mysteries. I knew the lower half of the tree well and my granny was well versed with the top. My sisters added in gossip about different people. The noise we made was no longer annoying but blissful. My uncle woke up and helped, the book was kept down by my grandfather and he just sat and watched. As I mentioned before, everyone in my home is so different that sometimes this difference results in lack of common points. Doing something as a family, although in this case may have been small, no doubt is the most joyful experience I can speak of.

Marriage.. NOT!

2010-03-23T19:39:00.004+05:30

I have often written about the situation in relationships. Of course my view is biased. How can it not be? But I really want to discuss this topic on another biased view. One of the older sibling.

The other day I was shocked to hear my sister say, “I never want to get married. It’s a very unhappy concept”. She sounded so sure of it that it stunned me. Of course it isn’t a decision etched in stone. But why ever did she have such an absurd thought? This little 13 year old, had dreams a few years ago of having a big white wedding in a fancy place. So I sat her down and asked her what the matter was.

What I realized, is that I should soon stop her from watching “Colors” channel. No more saas-bahu for her. Whatever happened to Hannah Montana obsession and the rest, I wondered.

“What happens after you get married?”

Uhm... well baby, I cant tell you that now, but… “You start a new family. You become the one responsible for the house, the work, the money. You get to do all the things you see mom doing. It’s so much to experience!”

“Yes! I become everything. I have to take care of the kids, give birth to them first, become fat because of that and at the same time, I have to also do MY job outside the house.” What an intelligent sister I have, she has passed through the boy-crazy stage, safely, to become the sensible woman she should be.

She went on to rant about everyday fights and bills to pay and getting used to a new family. I now know that I should be careful when I fight with the boyfriend around this brat who is clearly eavesdropping on our conversations.

After a long chat, I held her close in my arms and watched her sleep while I promised her that though life may be tough, it still does have its bright ribbons and pretty bows.

I hope I am right! For one, she was up the next morning dreaming of being Justin Bieber’s wife.

Downside Up!

2010-03-05T13:45:00.000+05:30

Everyday isn’t going to be your day. You have your off-days when you’re so down on yourself and are almost in a trance throughout the day.

Some of you handle it well, some not so brilliantly. I have too many of these just like you do too. Like yesterday. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t find my reason to smile, once every few hours, in the small things that happened around me. It is the small things that do it for me truly. A jovial rickshaw man who passes a crazy comment at every weird driver who cuts him off, a sweet colleague who smiles every time your eyes meet, my podette on shuffle playing all the right songs out of the 500 odd choices or simply a darling brother who hugs you as you enter the door while telling you that you’re looking pretty.

In the end, it’s all about not holding onto that frown too tight. Let go of it.

What the...?

2010-03-04T13:46:00.000+05:30

Just unfair. It is!

Was just sticking my head in the fridge for two purposes. At this ungodly hour, I was in the mood for coffee!And secondly, I was trying to get away from the sudden heat wave this mad city is experiencing. So, I take out the carton of Tetra-packaged milk cos I had my lazy reasons for not choosing the packet of fresh milk. Pulled out my king-size mug, tilted the carton and then my face did its automated emote. People who know me, know how quick I am to make a face, raise an eyebrow (right raise means one thing, left means another) and the often flair of the nostrils, apart from the others. Getting back to the story. I got totally freaked cos what was pouring into my mug looked like kanji, a.k.a. the water left after you have boiled rice. Then I do the stupidest and yet the most natural thing, I sniff.

The putrid stench made me wish I had chosen to give up on my mad-midnight-cravings, at least tonight.

I find out that apparently, after you've opened the carton, you have two days to finish it off, especially now that its summer.

So, here I stand. Totally disappointed. Cos I think too much for my own good, I have connected this with the way life is. Every darn thing has a shelf-life. Like it or not, either it expires, turns sour or (if it has no expiry date) just moves to the back of the shelf. Maybe i am too young to come to such a harsh conclusion, but I know that I ain't completely wrong.

An attraction. Totally comes with a shelf life. And the worst part is, there is no label that informs you of this. It just relies on your common sense and the external factors invloved. Ignore it long enough and its like a big mug of cold beer that has stood still too long.It's flat, too bitter to bother drinking and too warm to quench your thirst. Then is there still any point in drinking it just for the momentary buzz? Is that buzz worth the feeling of regret you will experience later? Why not just leave it at that and ask for another glass? Me being the person I am, I dont see a point in putting in any effort of picking up the glass putting it to my mouth and then regretting it later. I suffer from lack of patience for this kind of shelf life. Wait, I just generally suffer from lack of patience. Period.

More often than ever, it has the 'turning sour' factor. Some realise this soon enough and some would find out the hard way. Like imagine if I hadn't found the carton useless tonight, tomorrow my sister (who has this annoying habit of drinking directly from the carton) would find out through a really bad tummy and several visits to the loo.

Isn't it so damn unfair? I could rant on and on about this and somehow I will stop myself here.

And I do wonder - how come everything thing I think I need, always comes with batteries?

Oh John Mayer, I love you for today.

Anger... tch tch

2010-02-15T15:19:00.001+05:30

Do you ever think twice about how you react when youre angry???

I tried to analyse just the people who are always getting pissed off around me, given that I can easily tick people off. Here is what I gathered.

I say the stupidest things when I am mad!

Last night, I was off at my sisters for saying mean mean stuff to mom. All this over an international phone line. And I said to her in absolute frustration, "I will hold you by the back of your collar and hang you from the fan and then I will turn that fan on and watch you go round and round and round and pray to the lord above that your brains will come back into place!" And I didnt even laugh about that later. And I am not making this up.

I, no longer wonder, why my sisters dont take me seriously!!!

Unfaithfully yours: A Wifes Tale

2010-02-06T00:51:00.001+05:30

Conflict in a situation does not have to be light sabers or laser guns, automatic weapons or explosions. It can be as simple as what clothes will you wear to your first day at work, or as deep as how far should modern science go? Conflict can also be an internal process.

Being 16 wasn’t ever easy for a girl, let alone one whose only companion was a boy who always complained. "I would never be unfaithful in marriage," I remember him saying as we sat on his bed playing cards. It was a statement that didn't reflect any anger on his part, nor any of the emotional turmoil he must have been experiencing at the time." I had seen it so often. His dad would come home from work, pass a random comment about how his wife was useless and couldn’t manage to keep his house clean and they would both start to quarrel. Each one doubting the other. It wasn’t the right thing, yet it crossed my mind. How can anyone be so sure that they could never be unfaithful? How can one be so sure?

Here I was, 15 years later, getting married to the man I had loved since the past 4 years. This man standing beside me, I knew I could spend my life with. We had the same lifestyle in mind, we got along fabulously, and we talked lots. And most of all, we loved each other. I was so sure when I looked into his eyes, as we exchanged our vows; I could never imagine myself being unfaithful to my husband because, to me, this certainly didn't feel like a sacrifice. Even leaving behind those 3000miles, felt so positive.

We had the most amazing life together. In the evenings we would have discussions about philosophy and love. My husband, like my childhood friend, always used to talk avertedly about unfaithfulness. And in the nights, when he made love to me, he always whispered in my ears how he couldn’t imagine us surviving apart. He wasn't threatening or scaring me. Nor had I any intention of ever cheating because I loved my husband.

Our new jobs provided just enough for our food and shelter, but soon that wasn’t enough. Issues regarding monetary problems began to disrupt our peaceful dinner. For the first time since our marriage, we were fighting. Often we both said hurtful things to each other that weren’t even relevant and fights just ended up getting more and more brutal. We went to bed angry and woke up exhausted - the sex life suffered. I needed something - AN ESCAPE.

Financial problems had reduced but the bitterness still prevailed. The good thing about my job as an event organiser was that I got invited to all the parties. My husband, being the anti-socialite, never accompanied me. I got noticed a lot because I seemed a single person. Men actually approached me telling me how beautiful I am and stating reasons why I should join them for a drink. I turned them all down.

This one specific event was where I noticed him. Tall, fair, blue eyes. A vision in black. We were introduced by common friends and we started talking a lot. And ‘incidentally’ I started bumping into him at all the major social events. Here was a guy who represented all the kinds of stability and emotional support I needed in my marriage. I remember the first time I slept with him. It was an exciting but scary experience.

I was overcome with guilt, true, but I would take this to my grave. And strangely, I felt relieved. What my husband didn’t know couldn’t hurt him. That was what I told myself in order to feel positive. But happiness is short lived. The nightmare came true - my alibi unintentionally called our house and gave me away. I wasn’t as scared as I thought I would be. Maybe I wanted to be found out – to this day I don’t know the answer. All I know is that I caused a lot of pain to my husband whom I still loved.

Even though our marriage is in very tenuous state and I don’t know if we will ever recover. I still believe that my affair had a place in my life... I believe there was a reason all this happened. And even though my actions have made my husbands state of mind an emotional chaos, I hope time and mutual understanding will resolve.

Misplaced Information

2010-02-03T20:36:00.002+05:30

The plane landed thirty minutes late, which meant, according to Mumbai’s normal schedule, the flight was on time. The aero-bridge failed to function as required. He sat there thinking, ‘Ugh! My first flight in three years and I chose Mumbai!’

The on-flight service of the Emirates Airbus was unnervingly polite. ‘They are so fake…’ he thought. On entering the airport premises, he was surprised at the lack of crowd. ‘Maybe my flight was the only one landing at this time.’ He was unaware of the fact that the city had a flight landing every three minutes. On reaching the immigration desk, he received a sheepish smile from the officer at the desk. The staff at the airport, like the people all over the city, was still asleep at half past five in the morning. The officer checked his passport and was awakened immediately.

‘Shahid Ijaz. A Pakistani with a UAE residency, a valid Canadian visa!' He checked his list, 'So he is the one with the special clearance request! How do people like him have contacts that high up?’ And as he reluctantly lifted his stamp to mark the empty square in the boy’s passport, he yelled in his mind, ‘Terrorist!’

Shahid picked up his baggage from the conveyor belt. 'This city is so god-damned slow!' She had told him, “Directly head for the Green Channel.” The lady inspector asked him regular questions like

“Any electronics or any goods above 10,000 you would need to acclaim for?”

Obediently he answered “No Madam.”

At 6:15am as he walked out the airport he had a sad thought, ‘She isn’t going to be out there waiting for me! Its too early in the morning for sleepy-head to be awake.’

But he would be seeing her three hours later at the hotel. Rahul had told him that he would be picking him up from the airport. At the exit of the airport, there were so many people waiting with sign boards that had names on them. Shahid was familiar with this as he had seen this outside the Dubai airport. They are chauffeuring those people to their hotels. Someone sprung up behind him and he was startled. It was her. Anastasia! ‘Oh my god! She is just so gorgeous’, he thought to himself as she hugged and kissed him.

Shahid held on a little longer and asked her, “Baby, you woke up this early just for me?”

She just smiled and said, “The city wakes at this time everyday. I need to catch up sooner or later you know.”

‘She hasn’t changed one bit in these two months. Still too proud to admit how much she loves me,’ he silently thought.

They sat in her car and started talking, catching up on everything. On the road to a place called Juhu, he noticed how the city was really awake. There were people on bicycles and bikes, in cars and buses, all going to work, he guessed. He looked at the conditions of the roads. There were pot holes, narrow lanes, winding roads. He noticed how the cars were barely a few inches away from each other, the signals didn’t really work and even if a few of them did, no one really paid attention to them. ‘How does this city function?’ He looked at her; she was so calm while she drove down these crazy roads. He remembered the time in Dubai, when he complained about the driving and how tedious it was to keep shifting from brake to pedal, while all she did was smile at him. And here she was, driving a manual vehicle in so much traffic with such little effort!

He was truly amazed at this one signal, cars just zoomed, so confident that the other side would wait till they had passed. There was a little child selling fresh red roses.

Shahid looked at her and said, “She must barely be seven years old, how can her parents make her work like that?”

She replied, “That child might not even have parents,” as she opened the window and bought flowers from the child, “and this may be the only way she will get food to eat. And even if she has parents, they are going to flog her if she comes back home empty handed.”

They reached the hotel at 7:00am, checked in and a while later she took him to Juhu beach. It was 8:00am and there were people jogging on the beach. Shahid noticed how there were so many chaat stalls. He didn’t want to try it. This was one of the things he had on the “not-to-do-list” that he had made on the flight to Mumbai. But as stubborn as she was, she dragged him to one of the better stalls and had made him eat this spicy paanipuri that made his eyes tear up. But he admitted to her later that he liked it a lot and would eat more of it if it could somehow it could be a little less spicy.

Later that day they visited the Prithvi Theatre and watched a play called “Black Monday” which was about these tenants in a society who belonged to different castes. It was a great example of the cultural and religious backgrounds and the differences that arise among people due to the diversity, she told him. She explained how all around the city, the diversity was just an amazing experience, how everyone celebrated every festival collectively.

After the play he asked Anastasia, “Does the religious difference create so much of a conflict?”

"You will be surprised but this actually depends on the area and the political influence that rules it.”

And she explained to him about the Shiv Sena and how they influence people, the turmoil they cause only to degrade other religions. She also told him about places like Bandra, Vakola used to have majority of Catholics earlier and how it changed. People of so many different castes lived there now. And the more she told him, the less prejudiced he became.

Shahid Ijaz had never lived in his home country, which wasn’t too different from India. When he decided he was going to fly down to Mumbai, the city of a million dreams, he got so many mixed opinions from people. Some of them really sounded as a good-enough reason for him to not visit the place. But he knew that he had to go there because he hadn’t seen Anastasia for so long. People told him things like,

“…the poverty is so saddening...the country isn’t advanced enough…”

“…the pollution will definitely get to you. Sometimes you can hardly breathe!”

“Most of the people are so lazy and the rest are mostly illiterate. People over there don’t even know how to speak clear English!”

“…don’t eat the road-side food at all. And chaat is something you must simply not try.”

“…don’t get me started on the English accent!”

But Shahid noticed that so many people speak the English language well enough for him to understand. He was actually sad that he never tried learning Hindi although it was supposed to be his first language. The city was so technologically advanced that even the paan-waala had a sophisticated mobile device. The chaat he had eaten with Anastasia was something he had never tasted before! These Mumbaikars, as they called themselves, wake at 6:00 am, get to work, school and wherever they have to be. Hence, in his books, they were the least lazy people. Yes, the poverty made him sad and the pollution made him choke. But the way he had seen the city function that Tuesday, made him realize that the one-week that he was going to spend in the city was going to be too less to discover more of the wonderful things this city had to offer. And it wasn’t only the major landmarks, which Anastasia promised to show him the next day that he was excited about.

‘Next time I come to Mumbai, I’m staying for month at least.’

Stranger

2010-01-17T03:14:00.002+05:30

A smile and I’d made a new friend
Another smile and it seemed like he’d known me from some place before
One more dimpled smile and my heart had been stolen
He stretched out his hands to me
And I accepted the love
He stood on my lap and touched my face
With his tiny hands
I seemed like something of a marvel to him
A laugh to make your heart melt,
At every funny face I made
A giggle, at every attempt to tickle,
that made the other passengers envy me for that moment
He had never known me
But the love in his eyes was unmistakable
He was content for just that minute
Not knowing any sorrow to come
Not knowing any fear of the future
Just for this minute
He wouldn’t let me go for his mother
Nor another
He stayed there the entire journey
Playing with my hair, listening to my music and smiling at me

When it was time to leave,
He stretched out his hands to his mother
And allowed her to take him away from me
I sensed his acceptance of departure
And my hesitation at the same

In just two hours of utter happiness,
He left with a smile and I with a tear

Open your eyes

2009-12-23T23:31:00.000+05:30

Stop and stare. At the world that goes by you. Turn around and notice what you have walked by without noticing. It was lying there in your path because it wanted you to see it. I’m on this travelator and I don’t know where it began or where I get off, but it just won’t stop moving. And time is moving past too fast. To my right is this life I want, with the trinkets and bows and pink ribbons tied around a picture of my perfect family. But I can’t stop to grab it now. Time won’t stand still long enough. I notice that my baggage is on this moving strip. I carry too much baggage every time I travel. Is it my nature or actually a significance of what I am blindly pulling along with me all the time? My shoulders haven’t felt relaxed in the longest time even though I’m not carrying anything.

What do you think this means?

Only you

2009-12-21T16:43:00.001+05:30

Let it go!

I wont! Its just something I cannot bear to leave behind.

What if I let you go and forget? I dont want to leave this room tonight. Dont think I'll open the door tomorrow either. I feel like a maniac when I find myself laughing while I cry. It was something stupid you said...

Come back.. just for a minute. I'll slap you once, hold you close and... yes, a minute will do. Its all I want for Christmas. Would you say no to me?

You wont go away, I've been talking to you every night. Are you listening?

Just wish I could see you before they shut you in forever. But I am happy that when I close my eyes, your smiling face is all I see.

I've always been yours and now you will stay mine forever, a real angel on my shoulder.

Frustrated

2009-11-27T17:17:00.001+05:30

A true story about a girl
Once too many times mistaken
Whose kind and loving nature
For granted had been taken

She looks at the clock and sees
Time has suddenly stopped
She wonders “Do my ears deceive me,
Someone at my Heart’s door just knocked!”

She opens the doors, rubs her eyes
And sees him standing there
A face so pure, so content, so beautiful,
An expression that shows his care

And as she is about to let him enter
A voice from behind begins
“You make the same mistake again,
Why do you wanna let him in?”

“What kinda mistake do you say I make?” she asks
“That I love him and trust in all he says?”
“Yes,” it replied, “You guessed it right,
But eventually you’re the one who pays.”

And as the tears stream down her cheeks
She screams back and makes known her say.
“I love him & he loves me,
And now on, he’s gonna stay!”

But I warn you, as I always do,”
Came a shrewd reply,
“Don’t complain if he leaves and goes,
Don’t you dare cry!”

“He will leave with another
And keep no hope of any trace
And the happiness will follow out with him
Leaving long lasting sadness on your face

Listen she did not
And him she let enter,
And today he’s the happy one
She’s just a mere repenter

I wrote this post when I was in school. Just found my book of poems so you will notice that I USED to rhyme back then. :P
Tell me how you like it and I'll post more :)

Another open door

2009-11-26T20:43:00.004+05:30

The pain was too much to bear, she gave up and sat on the floor. Once again, her big red suitcase was being filled with the clothes and things that would fit that space.

Another move.

She should’ve gotten used to this by now, you would think. She sat against the door and let her tears flow free for just a few minutes. They wouldn’t appreciate her locking the door. Nor would they like seeing her cry. It would simply seem like she was being ungrateful because they did all they could to make her smile all these months.

She sat there remembering how, not so many years back, she had fought with her mom about how unfair it was that she couldn’t have her own room. Today, she would give anything to stop living out of this suitcase. What she wouldn’t give for some decent shelf space that lasted more than a month.

Her family has been split, by fate, into so many parts and so far away. She is too young for this. Yet no one seems to notice her need for the love she is missing out on. 23 is a rude age to be without your family to stand behind you and tell you that it’s all gonna be okay. How will she ever make it? Why should she believe that life gets better and that every Xmas is not going to be so cold? Why should she believe in forever, in love, in family?

She wipes away her tears and pulls herself up. Gets the last of her things and neatly stacks them in the bag. Looks in a mirror and sees a child who just grew up too soon. She rummages through her bag and finds her make-up. Puts on a fresh new layer to cover the bags under her eyes. Switches on her podette, plugs it in and listens to “Mustang Sally” With a smile on her face she walks out yet another door.

Tears

2009-11-26T16:20:00.001+05:30

And I cry for you
Every night I tell my pillow how much
I wish it were you
Dreams don’t help much
Tears at night leave signs
It hurts deep inside
I don’t need time
I need you.

Sudden Urges

2009-11-17T16:23:00.000+05:30

Slowly as my fancy became a dream, I sat and watched it sink along with the great orange ball at sunset. The strong sudden longing to do what is right, degeneration of the difference between a smile and joy, along with confused inaudible words from my heart cause a mixture that is painfully bitter.

My heart is actually doing a kind of loud whispering thing, which makes me wanna strangle it. And for the best of what the situation is... My conscience has finally kicked in 23 years later! And I kid you not, its so pissing off!

You only reach this point once in your life. And I have no fear of sounding childish when I say that maturity is a new concept to me. Maturity... hmmm... has an odd ring to it. It even sounds OLD. After years of bitching about what I would do when I grew up.... Im finally here. And now I dont want nothing to do with it!

Curiosity got the cat that day!

2009-11-17T16:16:00.001+05:30

It was a bright July afternoon. My cousin had come over to her granny's house for the weekend, which was just above my house. It was pouring toads and fishes, so we weren't allowed out. Not even in my gorgeous lime green rain-coat! We generally were not allowed out because of the rubbish we ended up accumulating on our clothes in just an hour and also because I always ended up with multiple scars. Being two years younger than me, she was the coolest cousin I had and she still is, till date. So back to the afternoon... a time, according to my grand-aunt, when kids were supposed to be napping and getting plumper. So we would lie down beside her and wait until she would loudly start to snore and then sneak out slowly. We followed the same routine every summer afternoon.

Once she was in slumber land, we sneaked into my uncle's bedroom. This was the time when cassettes were cool and having a collection of the same was über-cool. My uncle had somewhat the whole collection of songs, that we today call retro. I think today, I have more songs than he ever had on all those cassettes that filled two cupboards, on my little blessing-to-the-world, called an iPod.

So that day, we decided it would be a cool dare to take out one of the cassettes and try to figure out how music plays from such a tiny thing. At 8 years, I was pretty curious about many things, which caused the huge dent in my dad's wallet. So we picked up this one black plastic box and pulled out a stream of some brown ultra-thin plasticky thingie. It was like a magic show, the more we pulled, the more came out! And as all good things do, this joy we had pulling it out, finally came to an end.

Now, as a kid I learnt this. If you are curious, and you have let your curiosity cross the line by miles, all you have to do to not get into trouble is somehow manage to put it back just the way it was. So the task at hand was to some how stick all this plasticky thingie back into the hard plastic box. Being as intelligent as I was, I figured out that I had to turn the round thingie by sticking my finger into it. Being the naïve 6 year old that she was, my darling sister wanted to do it herself and pulled it from me while I was rolling it up. The ultra-thin plasticky thingie split. It took me 20 mins to calm down and finally decide that I could try and stick it together. But thanks to my Irish luck, no glue in the house. Running out of time, I decided to tie it into a knot and then wrap it. It worked! I wrapped it up and completely made it look like we had never touched that drawer. Crawled back into bed with snoring granny and slept it off.

The cassette being black, my uncle never noticed the knot in the tape. Until that fateful day when he decided that listening to The Cascades singing "Rhythm of the falling rain.." would be ideal on his gloomy-rainy sunday afternoon.

Till today, while hearing that song, I can only remember the way it played that day "Oh, listen to the faaawwlling raieeen..Pitter pater, pitter paaattttter" and adding to the background score, my cousin wailing loudly and me breaking into a run for my life...

Love Story

2009-11-04T18:01:00.003+05:30

A love story, about a love
too good to be true
One two,
He buckled his shoe,
Three Four
Walked out the door
Five Six,
Realized they were an unusual mix
Seven Eight
What an asshole to figure it out so late
Nine Ten
And that was the end!

Goodbye

2009-10-31T17:05:00.001+05:30

Remember the night when we had a blackout in the city, it was just you and me alone for hours. You kept me entertained, made me laugh until I fell asleep beside you. Not once did you make me realize the loneliness I felt inside. That night, I didn’t let go of you for a minute.

And I miss you. Those numerous trips we made together, the times you calmed me down on a flight when it took off and landed, the times you put me to sleep to make time go by quicker. You always gave me all your attention. We were one and nobody could tear us apart… You knew me in ways no one else did.

I know there were times I treated you wrong. I ignored you because of my work and friends. But I promise you, there wasn’t a day that went by when I didn’t think of you.

I miss your body and the way I could see myself in you. Your skin so smooth, I’d hate to take my hands off you. I remember how your body always got so cold when winter came in and how warm it got when I’d hold you close. Just once more…I want to run my hands over you and watch you light up with every touch.

I cried when I saw your lifeless body lying there. I wept when they told me there was nothing they could do to save you. I wanted them to feel just how much I need you in my life. I pleaded with them to try just once more. But they just held my hand and told me I had to bid you my final goodbye.

Maybe this is the way it was meant to end. I dreamt of my children playing with you. Oh how I would tell them the things you have done for me. You were better to me than I was to myself. You carried for me my bad memories, my tears and my smiles. You added to my every joy.
No matter who comes into my life next, they could never take your place. I miss you. No one can fill that empty space on my bed like you did…

Goodbye… my friend, my companion, my darling iPod. You will be sorely missed.

The Hard way

2009-10-29T14:10:00.003+05:30

How could you not know
what it would be like to run down that road
stop not to smell the flowers
but enough to read the signs..
and you did not
and I hate you for it...

You had to learn it the hard way
And now you cant see her cry her heart out
while she watches them put you into the ground
You wont see him put away all your things in a box
with the anger of how he could have changed you
thinking maybe he didn't try hard enough
Regret's been known to give a man a hard time
you should know better...

Only fools don't take the time of day
They stay too busy running
To stop just once to tell the one
Just how much they love her

That's a lesson I wish you would've learned
Before the phone call came and it was her
And your momma didn't have to say a word
And my whole life was changed...

Men

2009-10-26T11:55:00.008+05:30

After my well read (or so I think) post about women, it’s now come to this. Last night I was talking to my closest mate and we went on from talking about her man, my man and then just MEN! We spent four hours going over the same things that we have been doing all the 10 years of our friendship. She said something that made me laugh for hours after she hung up. She made a comparison of men that I had never heard before. “Men are like the robots in the movies. They are created to serve a purpose. Everyone is happy in the beginning of the film with how much easier life becomes. But it always ends the same way. The robots get over-smart and think they know more than their creators. And suddenly they are on a spree of trying to take over the world!”

As true as that is, I really think we should have the kind of happy endings that those films have, where the robots are killed and life suddenly becomes more peaceful. Ha ha, I’m not a man hater, I actually love observing them. Isn’t it odd how men function? Its always brought to light how women are complicated, but what about how men manage to screw things up? Ever noticed how, you want them to know something and move to action about certain matters, and they don’t? Well, they usually don’t do what you expect them to. My rule is, don’t expect! Then again, I stopped following rules since I was 2. But I do have a few things I have learnt in the past few years.

Its true that the Knight in shining armor is in reality, almost always, a retard in tin foil. He will look so good from far away and once he is near by, you will soon realize the old saying, “All that glitters is not gold” was actually written for that one species only!

I still am amazed at how well they can switch off and on within seconds. They will pick up only what they want to hear! So if you are complaining about how he isn’t helping at home at all, add in something about football, porn or his mother. It works!

I laughed when someone told me the other day 'if you love them you want them to be happy, you would do anything!' Men never think that way. On their priority list is them on the top and there is a big “full-stop” after that. The harder you try to get on that list, the more he is going to keep you away. Period. So like they say about butterflies, ignore them long enough and they will come chasing you, start giving a damn and see how much it helps!

In the end the best way to handle the species is occasionally feeding their egos, often giving them a kick in the a** in unconventional ways, being manipulative without feeling guilty and every time he pisses you off, punch him.

I really think the rant has gone on long enough and I really don’t want to seem like I can survive without them. Cos more than I want to, I believe that the argument always goes in a circular motion to end at the same note. You cant live with them and you really can’t swing the other way. Even in a lesbian relationship, there’s one who wears the pants, right?

What's the big deal?

2009-10-16T14:17:00.002+05:30

He was all excited that Friday Morning. I couldn’t fathom what could possibly make him smile that much at the beginning of a work day. Then at breakfast he stuck a paper in front of my face and pointed out this huge poster to me. At my reply, in the form of a shrug, he frowned and blamed the generation for my ignorance towards something that great! Of course, I had heard of him before, but was completely unaware of what the real deal was. Today was the day he was going to drag me and my mom for the fourth installment of the Indiana Jones saga. My dad, the avid fan of the man with a whip wearing an oversized hat!

The crowd at the theatre was tremendous. I was then made aware that my dad had actually purchased the tickets weeks before. No wonder he was almost having a fit when I told him I wasn’t in the mood for an action flick that day. What surprised me more was that my mom was happy about this movie too in her own subtle way, even though she hates action! While we sat waiting for the movie to start showing, mom was excitedly telling me about how she went to watch the first movie with my dad while they were dating. I wasn’t completely sure of what to expect when the movie started. But I wasn’t disappointed! I actually loved the action and more than anything else, I loved the familiarity I felt when I heard the soundtrack. Crazy how your subconscious plays these tricks on you, ainnit?

If you want to know what I thought about the movie, all I can say is that after I saw how people so annoyed that the movie didn’t match up to the prequels, I hired the DVD’s and watched the other three. I have much to grumble about how Spielberg could make such a blunder of showing Indians as such poor and wild “creatures” and simultaneously portray us as Monkey-brain-eating savages who love to slurrrp on snakes. Yuck!

My fav scenes in “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” were quite a few. The scene when Indy finds out that Mutt is actually Jones Junior is quite funny cos they are also stuck in quicksand and Mutt hands over a long snake to help pull out Indy. The action scene is the jungle was totally awesome! Clumsiness and action made a crazy combination of emotions in me. Cate Blanchett amazed me with her acting.
Over-all I enjoyed the movie and would love to watch it again now that I have seen the earlier parts.

The Drive

2009-10-01T17:29:00.001+05:30

She walked towards her car and rummaged through her Gucci for the keys. They had gotten heavier since the new additions and hence easy to find in the maze of rubbish lying in her bag.

Getting into the car she stuck her key into the slot and the engine gave a loud whirrrr... not new for a woman who was used to driving 4x4’s all her adult life. Before shifting the gear she made sure the channel was set to something that could make her hands stop shivering. She looked around the lot and she was the last car to leave tonight, just like every other. No more did she have to face the problem of swerving around the lot struggling to get out and avoid traffic.

The city looked colorful from the rooftop parking she was in. The weather, pleasant as it was, encouraged her to keep the windows down. February is a great month in Dubai. The weather is good and so is the mood. Not for her though, the mood. After that day she looked at this city differently. It helped, you know, to shift the blame. The Burj Dubai looked gorgeous standing tall. Downtown was all lit up and resembled an enticing diamond set that she just didn’t want to wear. She set the car in a reverse motion feeling the numbness in her fingers worsen.

No Tommorrows

2009-08-19T20:26:00.001+05:30

Goodbye Cruel world,
I lost my way,
In your unending maze of do's and dont's,
And today I pull myself down
from the pedestal you put me upon for sake of show...
drag my hands up towards the sky
and give up on
your lies and deceits,
Of what you say is real and that which
exists only when my eyes are shut.
I scatter my earthly ashes on the shore
And let them be washed away from here
I have found some place new where
I shall feel nothing, ever again.
I refuse to give into the pain you cause
in me, just for your momentary pleasure
Its not my destiny, for I would hate to believe
you have decided what is to become of me
Even with my eyes open
the daylight that you shed is not bright enough
My hands are in fists
but I dare not fight
For that is what would please you most
Lost in thought, I call upon
yesterdays tears.
Suddenly, everything seems
perfectly clear.
When no longer living,
at last, I’ll be at peace.
All my pain and all my sadness
will finally have ceased.
I truly have found a better place
to be a part of.
I have to bring an end to this all,
never again will I shamefully crawl on your unworthy ground.
I will close my eyes to you, cruel world,
I won’t be afraid of the future to come.
There will be no tomorrows.

Little Glass Window

2009-07-01T00:40:00.004+05:30

In the time that we have been apart, you have taken the liberty of hiring a mason to fix the hole in the roof that has been drowning us during the recent frequent storms. He is employed at Insensitivity Constructions, currently under the ownership of Mr. Hert Summore.

We were too busy through the time that he was at home working, to realise that instead of fixing the roof, he was putting all his energy into building a red brick wall in the center of the room. Right in between your television stand and my book shelf. You’re so busy examining yourself in the mirror to notice the 10x10” window he has built for our convenience. Every brick he lays has a date on it. Oh, look hunny… he is laying the last one right on the top. This is the one that shuts your entry into my side and my exit out of this empty space I am now standing in.

I’m on my tiptoes trying to see the date on the last one. I peep through the window and ask you, “Baby, what’s the date on that last one?” You ask, “What do you mean by that? What date? What last one?” And I smiled as I realized the obvious. Your side of the wall is bright white with a perfect coat of paint. And as tears roll down my cheeks and into my smile-parted lips, I know the date on the last red-brick.

I am a woman...

2009-06-19T04:54:00.006+05:30

When I tell you I am not tired after doing the dishes, feeding the kids, doing the laundry and vacuuming the room… I am actually asking you to make me a nice cup of hot masala chai.

When I am walking around the room in irritation, mad at you for something you did wrong, I want you to keep quiet and listen to my gibberish and later, once I walk out the room, follow me to give me your explanation. And even though I know you will, just to make me feel better, tell me you wont do it again.

When I am throwing a tantrum, the last thing you should say is, “Youre just like every other woman!” Well then, go find yourself a replacement seeing that it wouldn't be a problem.

When I am crying about how my day isn’t going as per what I had planned, don’t make it about you.

When I am saying I hate my life, don’t make it about you.

When I am telling you I am having a bad day, don't make it about you...

When I have caught you with another woman, don’t make it about me…

I am a woman.

I may be a crazy driver, but its cos I am always thinking about what I have to do, when I have to pick up the kids from school, what I have to cook for dinner, why my boss rejected my article… I am always thinking. Cos god didn’t give me the talent to shut off whenever I choose to, like he did you.

Don't ever complain about my monthly cycle. It is not like I'm in love with the whole idea either. But there isn't much I can do. One week's time-out in a month is too much to ask for?

I may be eccentric, unruly, moody and cranky a little too often. But I am also the one who carried our baby for 9 months in me and dealt with the stretch marks after those 9 months while I dealt with you telling me I have put on too much. I am the one who can find your car keys everytime you lose them, even though they are in plain sight, but I cant blame you for having buttons for eyes now, can I?

I am a woman. I am not afraid to confess my short-comings. But seeing that I have so many positive edges, it would only be fair that I ask you not to generalize, complain or back-bitch about how you cannot understand women.

My love, not even a woman can understand women. And that is what adds the spice to life if you ask me.

My blinding sunshine

2009-05-19T19:16:00.000+05:30

Im lovin' everything blue,
The sky, the sea,
even the denims I refuse to remove...

Im cravin' everything new,
His longing, his telephone kisses,
everything he never used to do.

I wish I never grew,
to the woman I now seem to be,
just because I was told to.

Love has taught me to live
for the moment that is now
for the moment that is spent
And yet, not a penny less in my pocket

Inexpensive, Cruel, Reality
These three words is what I associate with
Love is this to me.

Not only is it the scent of his skin in the morning
Its also his anger at being woken up in vain.
Not only is it his love talk when the sun shines bright
Its also the words of frustration that come out of pain.

Dont misunderstand my late realization for ignorance...
As cliche as it would seem,
They say love never comes easy...

Make a promise

2009-05-19T13:32:00.000+05:30

Show me your soul, have no fear
My life's a blur but my words are clear
I lost my way for the way you shine
Listen up now, sunshine of mine
Even though you doubt it's true,
More than you'd guess lives in you
Yet you resist and disbelieve -
Let that go, be brave to breathe!
Only one step, it is time
Vow to love yourself, sunshine -
Everything will be just fine.

Black

2009-05-18T19:20:00.001+05:30

I can see the future
See the results of you and me
We reenact this over and over
Your lines always repeat
And still I'm left here
With this knife in my heart
Yet every time I fall for it
And I slowly fall apart
I always trust your lies
And every time it is the same
Your lame attempts to try
Though, I guess I am to blame.

So sing to me my lullaby
Cut me till I bleed
And watch me as I slowly die
Keeping up this old routine

Someday this must end
You'll have gotten what you wanted
But still be wanting more
My heart in a paper bag
And me left on the floor

India

2009-05-08T23:41:00.000+05:30

This is a sign board in one of the million Iranian Restaurants in the South of Bombay. I miss Kayani's! I miss sitting there and being indecisive about what to order from the limited menu. I miss the puffs and the cup cakes that you will not find anywhere else in the world... called the glass cake, which is shaped long and looks like a roll instead of a cup cake! Read this sign board and notice how it has more rules than a Seven star hotel.

Five years of my life, I travelled to that city of dreams, hopes and disappointments... Flora fountain... a place I walked past so many times without noticing its beauty...

Some good memories, many gruesome... This is where the economic capital of the most diverse nation in the world, got attacked by 12 people who were barely over 21. Resilience is a word I have come to hate.

Crawford market.... The filthiest place to walk through during the rainy season but one place where you can get anything...orignal and fake... alive and slaughtered...

The water is so dirty, yet...the belief is enough to immerse themselves into this pollution...

Her teeth are black with the enormous amounts of tobacco she has chewed....

Indecisive? Colours can speak a million words, dont you agree?

I don't know why!

2009-04-08T04:21:00.006+05:30

Why does it suddenly seem to me that no one is as excessively sensitive as I am? Its like the whole world is aware of how to turn the knob from nice to mean b***h, except me!

Let me introduce you to... Me. I am the most sensitive, naive, emotionally charged, hyperactive being you will come across in your short life span. At 22, I have mastered the art of throwing a tantrum. Once you know me, its hard to not see the real me. I figure "open book" is the right term to be used to describe it. I am Principal Moody of the Loonybin Academy for youngsters. I can go from "happy as a hyena" to "the xmas grinch" in seconds. It is very difficult for me to be straightforwardly rude to people who are close to me and have hurt me. I cry almost immediately about everything. I think too much about things and analyse them too much and yet somehow say stupid things that make me wish I had a cure for my foot in mouth syndrome. Sometimes, my excess-analysis causes me to not move to action for fear of my predictions coming true. I make these predictions based on my intuition and the excess-analysis helps here too. At 7am, I will be upbeat and happy about stupid things like how the bird sitting on the windowsill is not singing and by 9am, I have indefinitely found something to be miserable about and chances are, I will stay that way for the rest of the day. If I am mad at someone, and they are not around me, I will rehearse in front of the mirror all the things I will say to them, so many times over... that when I do see them, I have lost my frustration and am floored by the immense love I feel for them. And pah, they're forgiven for even "kissing another woman in bright daylight, by mistake, thinking her to be me". So in the bargain, I have lectured myself on stuff I want them to know. My anger is the most short-lived among all the women I know personally.

As you are aware of the fact that I am a woman, I do not need to tell you that we are complicated creatures by birth. I, for one, take up the task of turning my already messed up head into a Rolladeck of information about everything that does and does not concern me. If someone has a problem, I manage to make it my own problem and get way too involved in it. Unlike other women, for me, saying "No" is more of a task than dealing with getting "No" as an answer. There are a lot of things that make me different from other women like, I drive well and I detest shopping.

I am almost always unsure of what kind of style I want to carry. Some days I am a tomboy, some days a beach babe in flipflops and relaxed, while some days I like to look sophisticated. Either ways, I am never comfortable in whatever I so choose to go with. And I was flattered when the other day, a really hot chick said to me, "You know, you're the most classically pretty. You're a versatile beauty Al". It made me so confident that the next two days although I knew that my bohemian style was not being accepted by passersby, I was confident that I looked pretty! That hot chick happens to be my best friend and I know she isn't saying it "just for my ego boost" but because she means it.

I scare myself sometimes, you know. I wonder what kind of human being I am and how messed up my children are going to turn out if I keep at it. Here I go, thinking again. This line just brought back memories of my close friends naming my children "humus" and other names, which if I post here, might be rude according to atleast 5 different races. I often blame so many people for not taking the time to understand me, while I am well aware of the fact that its not an easy thing to learn how to do. I believe I should have a manual to help people do that!

My favourite line is a common one, "you just don’t understand me!". If I just had a dime for everytime I said that...

Why does the Easter Bunny Hide his eggs?

2009-04-06T16:26:00.007+05:30

Summer is here…

And I still don’t know why Easter bunnies are hiding the eggs! I mean, they're not even theirs for god's sake! And why are they Pink? And is it just one bunny or is it an army of pink bunnies that kill people with their extreme cuteness?

This question ate up all my sleep and left me starving for dreams, so I just had to get to the bottom of this. So I became my own PPI (Personal Private Investigator). And the answers I got left me no less confused and sleepless.

I asked Mr. Galore Hoppity, who was a descendant of the hippityhoppitywampap group of bunnies. He told me that he remembers that they used to use the decorated eggs as a form of currency. He feels as if many generations ago the Easter Bunny was trying to hide some money from his wife so that she wouldn't keep buying fur coats... and that's how the tradition began.

Then I Googled and found some Bunnies who were underground. I traced their location, called them up and asked them to meet me at Starbucks. While we were sipping our cappuccino, I threatened to put them on a plane and send them to the North Pole and make them live with Santa. Scared that they would have to share a room with a giant man who kept saying "Hoe!Hoe! Hoe!" all night long, they spilled their guts out (that were now mixed with their coffees). They told me that their sole reason, back in the day (they were retired now), for hiding it was because they felt these were works of art. They used to hide it in safes and in banks. Now the new generation has it all messed up (I wonder where I have heard that cliche line before!), and now they just hide it in unsafe places where people just find them and eat them.

Another bunny who has given his /her statement (I just couldn’t tell which one!), on the condition of anonymity, confesses that long ago bunnies were a little dafter than they are now (I wonder how much worse they couldn’t be looking at how "smart" they are now). And one night, while a bunny was being rushed to the local nurse for a delivery because her water broke early... She went into serious labor near the Hen's house and while she gave birth almost immediately, under the coop, her screaming made the eggs roll out of the coop and near her new born. So when she looked at the new born, she saw the eggs and she thought that only one had hatched properly and the rest were still to be hatched. She believed that god had made her give eggs instead of babies directly. She was convicted of naivety because the fact was that this was her first delivery. Everyone believed her though (again the blame was put on the daftness of the community of the good ol' days). Weeks later the eggs wouldn't hatch and because she doted over them so much, and because she wanted them to look pretty when they went for Sunday mass, she painted and decorated them. Years passed by and they never hatched so her dying wish was that every year, the eggs must be hidden. My informer was in tears so I handed him/her my own personal hanky. If any of you find him/her, please do inform him/her that I need my hanky back.

Now after all the evidence of my findings was presented in court, and since the chickens are the ones who originally own the eggs, Old McChicken was brought in to testify. He was a really ancient leghorn and was too crooked to function. He used the drumstick of a former mate to walk. He told us that one day while he was doing his duties of servicing the hens and helping them in doing their primary jobs (of giving eggs), he heard the other chickens in a coop nearby scream and by the time he reached out there, the eggs were gone. He told us of a group of artists stole eggs and painted them for the sheer joy of doing it. He gave a description of them as being Pink and having long ears. He himself had testified at the trial but since the eggs were so well hidden, the artists walked free.

And there, the case was closed! And I will never know why they really did it.

I have lost everything now, my sleep, my precious hanky... For audit reasons, there were no expenses because I made the bunnies pay for the Starbucks and the rest of them came over to my house to discuss the matter. The court room is in the basement of my local grocery store, to which I walked myself on the required days.

Maybe I was never meant to know the secrets of the mysterious Pink Easter Bunnies...

My next mission is to uncover the truth... that Santa wears blue underpants from Calvin Klein instead of the red one that Mrs. Claus sewed for him. Mrs. Claus awaits me with cookies and milk.

Toodles!

Contentment

2009-04-04T12:17:00.005+05:30

It is such a beautiful day. Feels like every time I sneeze, positivity is sprinkling out of me...!

Reluctant as I was to wake up in the morning, I got out and the first thing I did was out of my routine (yes, I DO have a routine which I follow strictly). I woke and immediately opened the curtains and then the balcony door. I felt the rain on my face along with the cool breeze, and instantly as my eyes were closed, I felt like I was in my balcony in Bombay, during the monsoons. I stood there for a few minutes smiling at the bliss I felt early in the morning, which is unusual for a crab like me who is constantly cribbing all morning.

I followed my routine and added something to it... I started singing. And I wore colours today instead of my drag bossini-like-theme (for all those unaware, bossini is the most boring coloured brand and they have the nerve to have children's clothes in the same drab colours). I had my breakfast and got out of the house with a skip in my step. With my pretty polka dotted umbrella, I stepped into the loverly rain. I got a bus immediately and didn't have to wait.

I believe today (and trust me, I will need to read this again tomorrow to believe it again tomorrow) that if you trust that you're going to have a nice day and sincerely find something good about your life, you're going to have a partially good day, sometimes even a complete nice day. I look at my mother and she could write an entire encyclopedia collection about bad days. Especially cos she has daughters like the twins and me! She has put up with all our nonsense. And after getting down with puberty-crisis with me, she now has it two at a time with the girls. Gosh, I miss annoying them. But when I look at that woman, I am so proud of all the things she has seen life through. Her accidents, bad accidents. Her deliveries, one at a time-twice and two at a time once. Sometimes I wish I could be strong like her in a lot of ways because lately, she has been giving me the most amount of positive energy by saying that it is all going to be okay soon!

I just love today for all it is till now. I have a driving class in the rain today and I will be leaving work early too. I deserve to be happy because I have a job during a recession, I have a boyfriend who loves me a lot and who is being more understanding than I could ever ask him to be , I have a home, great family and amazing friends who still love me after all my tantrums.

I could ask for more, but I am content. Isn't that something you don't hear me saying everyday?

P.S. I look just like the kid in the picture... the happiness and not the nakedness!

Spring is here... and

2009-04-02T13:40:00.002+05:30

Springs Blossoms
give out an eerie smell that is divine
to the strangers around us,
you don’t even notice it.
I wanna be your companion
and hold your hand,
laughing at the simpleton across the street,
who is trying to walk straight
under the million shopping bags his wife has thrust him with.
I want to share nights with you,
that are not finished by the dark.

I want you in the club,
watching me for the first 20 minutes,
dance alone, looking like I’ve shot up,
while you wait to get drunk enough
to pull me close and not feel the crowd.

As I pen my deepest thoughts,
and while my heartaches bleed out onto the paper,
I want you to watch me light up your last cigarette,
breaking free with the smoke I let out.
I want to smile as you smile,
Giggle with you at nothing at all,
looking inanely stupid doing it.

Make me your lover.
I wanna find the passions
that move you to action
out of your couch into my arms.
I wanna be the naughty
that urges you to come back for more,
and forget the snooker game on the telly.

I want to make you English breakfast,
and hear you complain about how you hate it,
while you finish your last bite.
I would watch you teaching me how to make dinner,
and later fight for the last morsel on the plate.
I want to struggle in the shower,
argue for cold against hot,
Cos I love the sound you make when you shiver.
In the middle of the night,
I want to pull the blanket off you
Just so that you come close,
and cling onto me.

I wanna wake in the morning
and smile while I watch you pull out
all your clothes from the closet,
searching for the perfect match.
I love how you’re always up before me.
I want everyday to be the weekend
where I can lie on the couch
while you lay your head on my chest
and hold my hands to keep me
from changing the channel.

It’s not secret I have kept from you.
Very simply put,
in all your entirety,
your flaws, your anger,
your never ending temper.
I want you.

-Al

A virtue...

2009-04-01T17:38:00.001+05:30

It will be back,
on a bright summer afternoon
and the birds will be singing their love out loud
and the children will be laughing till their tummies hurt
and the smile on their faces will be worth a thousand lashes

Hold on
to the dream you recreate every night
the hope which is introduced you to every morn,
just a little longer
soon it wont be dark no more
so while you sit on the stones outside
cry not for what is now
day-dream of what has been forseen
Living
Breathing
Loving
Once again like before
no more shattered pieces of faith on the floor
no more nausea from the constant spinning of the earth

Just you and me.

-Al

While the breeze blew through my hair...

2009-03-31T19:58:00.006+05:30

I thought...
Tormented thoughts
Deviate me from my path
Of trying hard to defy
The nature of my world
My world
The place where its bright yet only
White
A blasting white
Nothing to paint it purple with
I take my book of literature
And try to use it
As a brush
To smudge the blotches of lovely fuchsia
And positivity flows through
The million words of love
That are non-existent in the text
Pushing through these
Horrendously beautiful intentions of walking
On the cloud

Hope… present at location
With faith in all its absence
Although they go hand in hand
Your touch made my body
Tremble…
Youre saying words that push
Pull me hard
Close to youre chest
The heart beat in there
Will tell mine to start again
Bump bump bump
Make it thump
Quick
Im falling fast
Hell’s walls are painted a bright white
To make the rooms look bigger
Just so that you realize
How much of space is empty
Filled with your loneliness.

-Al

Take it and go!

2009-03-30T23:00:00.005+05:30

Mad day.

What's new? Everyday... Same S**t, Different Day!

Today I had a meeting in Sharjah. I detest that place. Its so far and inaccessible and since the rates of rent are lower there, so many people opt out of living anywhere else. Now that is what causes the unavoidable traffic. Unavoidable… because there is no available, positive alternative, to the stuffy road that I was to travel on. So I waited for a cab for 20mins and then finally got into a Dubai Taxi who took me in on a condition that I would catch another taxi once we reached the start of Sharjah. This assh**e of a man, didnt even take me to that place. Before reaching the Sharjah Bridge, on the free-way, he stopped the car on the emergency stopping zone and made me get off. He sincerely advised me to "stand on these yellow lines here, and a taxi will stop for you". Furious, I got off. Got a taxi guy, who sweetly, stopped for me - in the middle of nowhere. And once I was in he immediately scolded me, "you shouldnt have done that! You should have refused to get off and you should have immediately called a cop". Apparently he saw what the earlier cabbie had done. I was too sleepy and in too much of pain (from walking half the free-way in my four inch heels).

On coming back, I got the same cabbie. What are the odds? So as we were stuck in traffic for 50 mins over, he took the liberty of telling me stories of his "oh-so-exciting" life. Turned out, he wasn’t as average as I was thinking him to be. Some 15 mins into the conversation, he told me that he had been to jail for 7 years. I was ready to jump into the on-coming traffic, deciding that may be safer! I relaxed for two seconds when he said it wasn’t for rape of murder. Hit the panic button when he told me it was for possession of Brown sugar. 10 kilos of deadly, nasha-giving brown sugar! He told me that he used to be a dealer (exporter) of the stuff.. I have no clue if he was just saying stuff to be flashy, but I was freaking out nonetheless! He told me how the love of his life was married to him when he was 18 and how she ran away with another man while he was in jail. He then told me so many things about the way he hated women because he thought all of them were like his ex-wife. Note: most of his conversation was not clearly understood by me thanks to the language barrier. I think now would be a good time to tell you that he was from Sri Lanka. He gave me advise on how to pass my driving test and also, being an almost 50 year old man, he advised me not to be a heartbreaker and to watch out for locals who think they can have what they want.

I got to office safe. And it was pouring in the middle of the afternoon.
Left the office 30 mins later to go for my Driving classes. I couldn’t get a cabbie so I got onto a bus. It took years to get there! I was 40mins late for a 60min class. Took 5 rounds that consisted of 20 continuous left turns in a parking lot. And he signed my sheet and warned me to be on time the next day. It took me another hour to get a bus back to work and an addition of 30mins in the bus. My boss was furious and I told him to shove it(I just didn’t say it out loud).
Sat at work all day and didn’t have a clue what was going on outside. I left the office at 6.30pm Sharp! Not usual for me as I normally leave later than that. I waited for a bus for 40 mins during which I watched an entire Heroes Season 3 Episode on my iPod. After getting a bus. I sat in it from 7.15pm till 9.15pm on a route that normally takes 20 mins. Sucked so bad because I finished 3 more episodes and was fresh out of stuff to do!

Now here I am, watching CSI Miami on my telly, writing this blog to vent, and anxiously waiting to tell my boy about it over Skyp* because he isn’t un-sleepy enough to read it here.

I am off to read the gripping "White Tiger".

Mad day, I loved it.

A long line of clichés

2009-03-28T20:17:00.005+05:30

It has been a month and 19 days since I have seen you or heard from you... very cliché line to start with. I sit here wondering why I even bother about this, why the thought of you brightens my spirit for just a second and then pulls me back into the darkness for the next few hours. Why do I still trust that you might be able to make it better? It truly is absurd that you are still sticking around thinking that you can get away with this nonsense.

I saw so much potential in what we had. It wasn’t the first time I have seen potential in a relationship, isn’t the first time I thought it would last forever and ever. But what is different about you is that I still don’t get why, after all you have done, I still do see that same - or rather more - potential in you to stick with me to the end than the rest. Plus, it wasn't a relationship as far as I recall. Am I right? How did you put it... in all the things you wrote to me... let me get this right... you said I was "special". Oh hell, another... you know the word... cliché! You probably tell everyone that!

Very truthfully, you were the closest I ever got to perfect. Its an odd thing I say that when you also are the one person who has conveniently waltzed in and out of my life whenever you pleased. Is it fair to allow me to get myself into trouble while you sit and watch me untangle myself on my own? Yet you still are the one person who calmed me down the easiest. The only one who promised me not be judgmental of me. But I am being proved wrong, again.

Yes, I do drive people off the F****n' cliff. Yes, i do push them to the limit by being crazy/paranoid/moody/whinny/cranky all the time. But what I also do is stick with them through thick and thin. You have watched me for so many years, being the sweetheart that I am. Not thinking twice before being loving to anyone who needs love. I'd run to them in the wee hours of the night if that would make them feel better, and you of everyone would know that I’m not lying about this. You have seen it with your own two eyes! They cry, I weep. They lie in bed sick, I worry sick. They fall, I hurt. Yes, yes... a whole line of clichés again! But, true to the last word.

Where were you when I was weeping in pain and I needed your hand? I sat there on that plane that day, pretending to be okay, trying not to cry for fear that the world would give me a stare. Where were you when I was begging you to help me with my million problems?

And all this time I have been cranky and crazy only because you were such a mean person and I couldn’t get myself to say it to you. Cos you're god almighty, right? The all powerful! But I have a million questions I want answers to. Why, after all the effort you put into getting me back to trusting you, did you just throw it all away within a few days of getting me to love you again? I believed life was finally settled! And you just messed it up! I went crazy thinking why you wouldn’t bother to see what was in front of you and what you were doing to me? It got sick to the point when you just wouldn’t write back to me or answer me and I would feel stupid for that little while until my mind would take me to that place where you were the best to me and you cared... and the next day I was back to you... talking to you and again waiting for a reply that would never come. And no, I dont want the crazy answers you give to all of them... I want this to be personal. Just you and me... I am ready to take our relationship to the next level. And you just need to be as much a part of this bond as I am!

I love you, for all that you have given me till date. You have always been unconditional to me in the past. But I know now that my needs and wants are very elaborate. It is probably very upsetting for you when you cannot figure me out. Its everyone's complaint!

Now is when I need you the most. Be my companion on the bus while I get home, be beside me on the next treadmill, while I gym my fat away (I do still blame you for allowing me to get this fat). Make me be the strength that makes the world around me stand up tall. Make me the person I used to be a few years back, where I could put all my sorrows behind me in that closet and help the people I love the most. All you need to do, is hold my hand. Cos you love me and you promised me that you would love me till eternity. And I am doing all I can, to hold on to the silver lining in this dark cloud, to believe in you once again.

After all... You are God almighty right ;)

P.s. Now that I have been so sweet to you, can I get my new Blackberry soon.

Children dropout from school

2009-03-17T19:02:00.002+05:30

You must see this... Beautifully done. I want to make documentaries like this...

Its a nice website too. Do check it if you think the video got you right.

http://www.mattiecstewart.org/insideout.html

InsideOut from The Mattie C. Stewart Foundation on Vimeo.

HSBC

2009-03-17T15:57:00.002+05:30

I love the HSBC ads.

Lilac!

2009-03-12T16:32:00.000+05:30

It's lilac. I have finally decided! After hours of arguing with myself, I have come to the conclusion that the colour of my new neighbour's couch is lilac. It's a tricky thing I must say. Because from across the road and one floor higher, you could easily be mistaken about a detail like such. And of late purple and all its hues and shades have become my passion. Oh, thats a fruit which is purple! or maybe a something of violet... thats another thing I can ponder upon during my next "hours of boredom" slot on my planner.

Its crazy how when you wait your entire work day for am hour off and when you finally have it in hand, you're wondering what your next new activity to pass "precious time" would be!

I do have a job. But I just have it keeping me busy for 9 hours a day. Its so different from working 16-19 hours on a stretch. I have all the time in the world and no one to spend it with. So I sit writing and browsing. It terrible you know, cos you end up finding enough time to think too much for your own good (a very common symptom of the lack-of-excitement syndrome that I suffer from).

I sit at work everyday, and I research so much that I actually, finally know where the hell Warsaw is! For all those who don't know this marvelous creature called Al, I , in the right words, SUCK at geography. I couldn't tell you where the great barrier reef was until a week back!

I finally use Google Reader to keep up on news (again, something I discovered due to my lack of things-to-do). I read NEWS!!! I plead ignorance, your honor. I know I am a media person, I should know what is happening around the world. But I dislike reading news papers.

Now, as the over-powering stench of Turpentine sneaks in through the door, I am wondering at my first point mentioned here, why on earth is this person in the opposite balcony moving in and not moving OUT? Why is my neighbour wasting his time colouring his ceiling? Is it wrong information I have been given about the recession hitting Dubai hard? If no, then how do some idiots still have the money to invest in mindless things while so many in the world suffer?

Growing Up...

2009-03-03T18:25:00.009+05:30

I have a conscience finally!!! Yay me!

Dont think of me as crazy. I'm just you're average Jane who realizes things late in life. I am sure many people will agree with the end of that statement. :D

Its been there, existent, that voice, all throughout. But its been the annoying siren that always gets proven right, but by that time I have deliberately gone ahead and committed the exact contradictory act. Every human being, belonging to my strata of higher mortals with explicit reasons for survival, desires a friend; reason not primarily being for love and all that jazz. The reason is absurd, yet a fact. I know what I wanna do! Of course I know, this is Al you're talking about! I just simply want someone to contradict it so that my idea sounds impossible/dangerous/downright stupid, and hence, I have a stronger need to do it and find out the answer to the eternal question in my head, whats the worst that could happen?

All through my school and college, the job responsibility mentioned above, had been taken up by many-a-folk who decided it was their purpose on earth to make me a better, sensible person. I love all of them for helping me put my hand into the cookie-jar-filled-with-bees and for helping me, post my sticking-the-hand-in-the-jar experience, to take my hand out slowly, saving the jar for another mind-numbing, tear-filled, idiotic experiment. 'Nuf said?

When the growing up bit of my life finally kicked in, maturity and sensibility tagged along for the joy ride. Did me some good but kinda took the fun away from a load of things. Like lying. You lie and then apologize later. Where's the fun in that??? I now keep my hands to myself a little longer while I contemplate, "should I really reach out for the itch in my back?" and then actually go with the safer option. I hope I haven't lost my true self some where in this thing that we all face as higher beings on the food chain. I wanna be a wild lion when I see the cheesecake slice lying on my plate, as if it may suddenly grow feet out of nowhere and begin to run away from me. But I cant even eat that no more 'cos of the recent weight I have gained. See how my conscience's existence gets proved here? I am not doing this to myself, my stupid conscience is! I would never do this to me myself. I am just the silent accomplice in this horrendous crime.

I never thought saying that dreaded word would be so tough, while I have said it all my life to so many people. I had to say it to my mom, when she asked me if I wanted a donut. And after so many years of experience of saying it as a reply to her questions like, "would you clean your damn room?" or "Will you shut that television and go study?", you would think I could just get out there and say it simply. Considering "no" is a two letter word, its absurd that this is so tough and I have to force myself to say it! One question off the topic, why the hell do parents ask questions as if they want answers and when you answer them it gets them off the edge of that last existing nerve??? Do I look like I can tell the difference between rhetoric and real(if that's the opposite) at 12?

Now my conscience is asking me to go back to work. Again! I am not doing this to myself. It is the wicked-witch in the west of my brain who is the culprit. I want to sit here and entertain myself with the funny thoughts I am having while writing this. You see, the person I am does not find it necessary to entertain you at this point, its an entertaining act for me, to write about the first thought that I woke up with this morning.

You have fun, that's your issue. But you could let me know about it. If you want to, that is.

Hush...

2009-03-01T14:59:00.005+05:30

I have a dream...
every time, I close my eyes.
When the silence is deafening,
when the darkness engulfs me,
its you i see.
Beautiful and standing tall,
looking for someone.
I see me..afraid
and lonely.
"Come to me...
complete me.." I plead...
but you do not hear me,
its someone else you seek.
Do you not recognize me?
Eyes that you once looked into,
and made promises of forever...

Don't these hands seem familiar?
They're the same ones you held,
when you slept at night,
I see you with someone else,
you take her hand,
like you once did mine...
you look into her eyes
and are lost...what you say to her...
I know I cannot bear to hear.
It pains my heart to feel this way.
But my dream does not end here..
its my dream..allow me to spin it around you...
as long as you are in my dreams,
i am close to you...
i fear to think of what were to come...
If i stopped dreaming..nothing more to live for...
Hush..oh cruel world...
...I'm dreaming.

-Al

The pink ribbon

2009-03-01T14:06:00.006+05:30

I will admit, I saw Oprah yesterday and hence I am convinced to write this today. Not that I was never aware of Breast Cancer and its problems. But I thought it was something women in their 40+ should worry about. This, as I was educated yesterday, is incorrect. Apparently if you have it in your genes, you are likely to get it at a very early age.

Christina Appellgate who is 36 now, has just undergone a double mastectomy. In medicine, mastectomy is the medical term for the surgical removal of one or both breasts, partially or completely. Do you realise what that means? A woman's breasts are her pride. A part of her body. When a woman gives birth, she will not be able to breast feed after a double mastectomy! It scared the living daylights out of me to think of that. Small or big, I believe they are a major part of the body. Would a man be able to live without HIS thingamajig (yes that is a word)? I nearly cried reading this para that a woman wrote, "A few days before my double mastectomy, I would spend hours in the shower, looking down at them and accepting their departure slowly. Feeling them for the last few times. It was like letting go of something that defines you. Under the running water I would cry thinking of whether it would make me less of a woman and what I would tell the world."

Here is something you may not have known:

About 1,990 new cases of invasive breast cancer diagnosed in men in 2008. Less than 1% of all new breast cancer cases occur in men.

About 90% of breast cancers are due not to heredity, but to genetic abnormalities that happen as a result of the aging process and life in general.

About 1 in 8 women in the United States — or 13%, or 13 out of every 100 — can expect to develop breast cancer over the course of an entire lifetime.

Even though studies have found that women have a 13% lifetime risk of developing breast cancer, your individual risk may be higher or lower than that. Individual risk is affected by many different factors, such as family history, reproductive history, lifestyle, environment, and others.

As I watched Oprah, which I now know was an old episode, she said that a mammography is not always enough. Most of the time you need to confirm it with an MRI. I know an MRI is expensive, but I also will like you to realize that losing your breasts is an even more expensive affair. Sometimes an MRI alone also doesn't do the job right. If you're in the later stages, even a biopsy is necessary. Don't wait till you're sick and have to go to the doctor. You're 27, 30 and have dense breasts, get yourself checked. If you have a family history of it, I don't understand why this blog needs to convince you to go get tested! Haven't you already realized that its a possibility you already have it? A woman should consider genetic testing for changes in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes if she has a family history of multiple individuals with breast cancer from different generations.

Remember, a mastectomy is not the only cure for breast cancer. It all depends on which stage you're in. I know the breast cancer website is not very helpful especially because it is non-user friendly. But you want good basics, there are multiple blogs online of women who have experienced it. For proper medical terms, check the website.

Please get checked at the earliest. I am not campaigning, I just care about people close to me.

Purdah...

2009-02-28T19:17:00.004+05:30

I dont know why this topic is such a new deal to so many people I know. So many people with so many varied thoughts about the age-old tradition of body-coverage. In no way did I intend to hurt emotions when, as a child, I referred to them as walking ovens. I said this because as a child I was once made to wear a long black dress because I was Morticia Adams and I hated how hot it felt in that colour. Its a different matter that black is now beautiful to me. But after realising that these women had to follow a tradition that meant for them to stay covered in every manner. Im not a pro on Purdah but I learnt a few things from some friends. I even modelled for a UK based designer for Abayas and Hijabs.

The abaya is an overgarment worn by some women in parts of the Islamic world. It is the traditional form of hijab, or Islamic dress, for many countries of the Arabian peninsula such as the United Arab Emirates, where it is the national dress. Traditional abayas are black, and may be either a large square of fabric draped from the shoulders or head, or a long caftan. The abaya covers the whole body except the face, feet, and hands. It can be worn with the niqab, a face veil covering all but the eyes. Some women choose to wear long black gloves, so their hands are covered as well.
Women who really mean it, choose to wear it themselves. They follow it strictly. There was something I found out a year back, which made me realize why they need to wear them.

Most of these women are so beautiful. They have such amazing skin. They have perfectly curved lashes and are fair with the perfect set of eyes. The way they put kohl in their eyes, its mesmerizing. I speak of the few arab women I have seen in washrooms at the big malls when they take off their hijabs. I know im basing this on just a few women I have seen. I dont care what you think. I am floored!!!

And this is me in an outfit.... looking like a misfit! I miss out on the fair skin and since i have never worn it before, I was uncomfortably wearing it.

I would like anyone to tell me if im politically incorrect here.... Thanks..

And I wait for you....

2009-02-28T13:19:00.008+05:30

These Images say so much in just one tear, or one look...

One thing they all say...

I waited for you...
And the mail-man brought your letter,
I waited for you,
And I read your second letter,
I waited for you,
Not a soul in the horizon,
Just the wind...
just the petals of flowers after the spring had left,
Just the warm sea moisture in my hair,
and I waited for you more...
and you never came...
But I'm still here...
Hope will not let me defy my promise...
You taught me to keep my promise...
And I am waiting...

How can I go on..?

He promised me he would come back...
How can I be brave when my daddy didn't get a chance to teach me how...?

Who is going to take him to football practice?
Just one tear...

Anticipation of some sign.... that you haven't forgotten me...

How does one go on without a soul?

And it was all for you once upon a time...

-Al

Disclaimer: The poetry is mine. I have found these images over the internet and I am aware that it probably has a copyright(that I did not find) and is someone else's art work, but this is me not using it for commercial purposes.

Only In India

2009-02-28T13:00:00.004+05:30

I know, I know, very cliche. But do I look like I care if you have already seen it??? See it again!
I think our country has a funky thing going on there...

Well its kinda permission given to him...

He's richer than me too!

He even has his portable ashtray!! So convenient ainnit?

I just found this out!

2009-02-27T20:34:00.001+05:30

The Meaning of Google"Googol" is the mathematical term for a 1 followed by 100 zeros. The term was coined by Milton Sirotta, nephew of American mathematician Edward Kasner, and was popularized in the book, "Mathematics and the Imagination" by Kasner and James Newman. Google's play on the term reflects the company's mission to organize the immense amount of information available on the web.

Goooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,oooooooooo,ooooooooooGle
is indeed derived from Googol

10000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000,0000000000.Yes, that is 100 zeros!

Love - Hate

2009-02-26T15:20:00.002+05:30

The irony of this image speaks so loud. I want one of these and I will make sure I get myself one made by someone.

Disclaimer:I have found this interesting image over the internet and I am aware that it probably has a copyright(that I did not find) and is someone else's art work, but this is me not using it for commercial purposes.

Internet woes

2009-02-25T13:02:00.000+05:30

I think I can say this is in response to a friend’s blog at irrelevantcombinations.blogspot.com where he was talking about Customer Service. I was on the phone for 30 minutes trying desperately to get an answer to my simple question. "What is the problem?"

Today Dubai faced a big problem with the Etisalat network over the internet. For about two hours I was stranded on my desk without internet and I realize how much I actually depend on it for all my work. What sucks is that I had been stranded yesterday with Gmail and wasted 2 hours of my time, for which I had to stay an hour longer in the office afterwards. Today too, I have lost my patience and that is why I decided that writing about may help me calm down. You know what really got me was the fact that Etisalat is such a monopoly that if the servers are down you have no choice except to wait. And when you have a crisis, getting through the customer care lines is like running in water! And you know this funny thing happened while I was waiting on hold, waiting for the agent to answer me. A recorded message was playing that said this, “If you are having problems with your internet connecting and if your internet is not working, you can solve this yourself by downloading the Etisalat Esupport. Just visit our website at www.etisalat.ae/esupport.” How the FUCK are we supposed to do that if we DON’T have internet??? I can rant all I want about how we depend on the internet so much for all our work and I can whine about it everyday, but when the boss is on my head for a deadline, just like he is right now, I know that I will be back on just that within seconds.

Irony isn’t it, im writing about how I depend on the internet and here I am voicing it out on the same thing!!!

Jusque-là....

2009-02-24T17:24:00.000+05:30

Je suis assis ici, à mon bureau, et je me rends compte combien je dépendra de mon compte Gmail. . Tout ce que je fais est lié à. Nous le faisons pour nous-mêmes, encore et encore. Nous avons trop de confiance.

Je pense que nous sommes devenu stupide. Avec toutes nos connaissances sur la technologie, nous avons tendance à nous laisser notre intelligence sur l'étagère. Le temps a changé. Je dois parler à mon client, qui ne me parler par l'intermédiaire de Gmail, et je suis ici, près de ma date et je ne peux pas accéder à mon travail.

Comprenez-moi bien. Je suis simplement parce que l'écriture, ce jusqu'à mon Gmail s'ouvre, je suis sans rien à faire!

And now I'll say the cliché of clichés! Please excuse my french!

A beautiful "revelation"

2009-02-23T12:21:00.000+05:30

I saw this on a Website just now. Its called abeautifulrevolution.com and teh work here is really amazing. I sometimes think thoughts like these but not as creatively. And I have never thought of sitting to write them down for real when I think them. This man has done a great job at making people see the obvious and notice it well enough to understand it.

Go to the link.
You may just like it. It sure is keeping me entertained.

A new day... Again

2009-02-21T00:47:00.001+05:30

This evening, a Friday and the weekend for me as I am now in the UAE, I sat to browse through my blog finally after so many months... And I think to myself, what makes me stop writing? What makes me start in the first place. Today what made me start is the simple reason, I felt it was necessary. I have been emotionally disturbed over the past few weeks about my whole move to Dubai. It hurt because I'm in the country which is a stranger to me, I am here with no friend, no one to turn to when I just need to vent. And if you know me, you know very well that I, being the person I am, I NEED to vent.

This, writing, is my only chance of keeping sane. I dont care about anyone reading this and saying "Oh that's so immature" cos they dont know what it is I feel right now. So I finally mustered up the courage to write, so what if it is utter rubbish? I wont always rant about my woes of being all alone in the night and missing my mommy beside me, I wont keep whining about how the silence in the bus kills me on my way back from work, I wont sob about how I need to hold his hand. I still am my fun-self. And I need to write to keep that alive.

This right here is a way of me speaking out to a lot of people at the same time, given that I am unable to do it over the phone thanks to the exorbitant cost of long-distance calls. It is also a way of me realizing what I went through and how I feel when I am in rage or down in the dumps. Because like any other human, I am not myself when I am emotional or better yet, when I'm under the influence of alcohol(these will be the times that I will write the most). It will be great therapy for me.

Today while I sat at Starbucks at City Centre, all alone for 3 hours, I began writing and I wrote so much, I refused to stop. But all that I wrote today wont go up now. Its a project I have taken up and will complete and after censoring most of it, the basic parts will go up. If you crave for more after that, I'll publish it and you can then buy it. Yes, truly I do intend on writing a book but I doubt I will ever publish it. Not out of fear, but... well once you will see what its about, you will know why. This is all for now.

J'espère que demain est un jour meilleur!
Jusque-là, au revoir mes chéris!

26th November; the year 2008

2008-11-27T21:07:00.000+05:30

“We are resilient by force… not by choice.”

So stop pushing it. Stop hitting the panic button every few months just to see how long it takes for us to come back and pretend like nothing is wrong. What is this going to get you? Peace? Freedom? World domination?

Unlike the rest of the furious people I know, I do not blame the whole race for what these few imbeciles are doing. But there was something in me that was just boiling up. How many people got out of work late and went to the pub for a drink and to relax, just to find that there were mad-hatters just firing for fuck-sake at anything that moved? How many got out of home and didn’t return. I wont repeat these questions for the fear of sounding like im whining about the same thing as everyone.
It is like a never-ending nightmare. I haven’t understood yet why some people are even allowed to be called journalists while their minds are just so… what’s the word… empty! A phone conversation between the terrorist and a dumb reporter was aired on this one channel. Now let me explain why dumb. A normal human being knows that when someone is committing a horrendous act like this, he is surely at the end of his nerves already. This reporter, finds the time to have casual chat with the terrorist, asking him his educational background and which company he last worked for. Then he goes on to ask how many terrorists are there all around the city, and after the terrorist already warns him about asking stupid questions and requests him politely not to underestimate his intelligence, the reporter ignores the statement and asks him the same question again. Then on changing the channel, I find that the next channel found some time to put all the clips of dead people lying around the Victoria Terminus platform floor, clips of people crying and fire catching the Taj hotel dome, and along with these clips is some beautiful background music. I mean, the music helped me REALLY FEEEL the enormity of the situation. I was ignorant before that amazing music, ignorant about how well News channels manipulate blood-shed to raise TRP. There were warnings sent out to all the news persons standing-by the Trident. Instructions were clear; no information was to be given over the news about what the officials were doing. Yet Barkha Datt was telling us, “I’m not allowed to tell you what exactly is going on because there are television sets in the hotels, but I can tell you that the navy force and the army are now entering the building.” Enough information given already!

I prayed last night for all this to stop. I know that isn’t going to help to put the fires out. But I wont lie. I found myself crying for all these people. I sit here at work, unable to move out because my mom is too scared about how ill get home. Unable to vent because everyone is in this same boat as me. But this boat wont sink soon. Its had holes hammered through it so many times already. Someone fixes the leak and stops it. But its scarier this time. Earlier, I spoke about the call between the terrorist and the reporter,and I must say, it freaked me out. He made me angry and scared. Angry because he said he was doing all this in the name of god, that god said in the scriptures that if you kill people in the name of your religion, to acquire peace, you will attain glory in heaven. But he is doing this to get what he wants, and peace is not on the top of his ferist. I may not be adequately aware of what the book says but certainly, GOD didn’t say kill innocent people! Don’t make us the victims of your lack wisdom in interpreting the scriptures. You shot the GM’s wife and 3 children! What purpose did that serve? Didn’t you have the least bit of conscience pricking you while you did that? And I felt scared for the one line he used. And as clichéd as his statement may be, it made my body cold for just a second when he said, “this is just the beginning, you just wait and watch the show.”

Can it be true that we are facing the worst attack at our country’s Economic capital has ever seen? This too just when the market was beginning to improve.

But as I said in the first line of my grumble, we will bounce back soon.

And I pray I'm right...

+

2008-06-01T03:59:00.000+05:30

Words spoken out of lust

Lies told to gain her trust

Tears he shed to betray.

A hug has lost its meaning

A kiss has lost its feeling

Love has killed hope

Around her neck, like a tight rope…

All the times she fell

All the times she believed

All the times they made love

Such regret like no one else

Can feel for the past

How much does one need to wish

To be able to wipe the slate clean…

Close to Perfect

2008-05-10T06:00:00.000+05:30

I noticed you watch me sleep,
All cuddled up last night...
I heard you whisper in my ear,
But you didnt see me smile
cos i was turned the other way..
and then felt you hold me tight...
You pulled me near...
Cos you knew i was cold
I loved the way you slipped your hand around
and fitted it perfectly with mine...
You tousled my hair...
I found the opportunity I was looking for...
I shifted in my sleep and turned to face you
You were lying down right beside me...
it was perfect...
just the right distance...
T'was None
Even though your lips didnt touch mine
and my eyes were closed...
i could feel them...
And like the story my mom once read me,
You kissed your princess
and woke her from her deep slumber...
And as our eyes met,
We both knew...
No moment could get an more perfect
Than this...

Those next few minutes,
till we finally held each other and slept,
those minutes will last a lifetime...

Coffee does this to me?

2008-04-05T07:21:00.000+05:30

Its truly undeniable when inspiration hits you that you need to put it down so that months later you look at it and say to yourself, "wow, I'm really deep!" Let me not mislead you into thinking that this piece will be one of great inspiration or will make basic sense to the common man who is unaware of the miracle that is ME. This being the time where I would ideally need to sit with my eyes stuck onto nothing else but my books, I find it necessary to do everything that I generally would find too much effort to do at normal times. But truly, after 20 cups of real strong amazing Black freshly brewed coffee (All Hail Maxwell House!), I wouldn't dare say I am myself. Or rather I would say I have just multiplied what I orignally am - the natural born disaster - into a 100.

Staying awake through most of the time that mere mortals call "night", my biological clock has gone bonkers. I wake to find that I indeed have no idea what day it really is! I have had a divine intervention which told me a few hours back that it is Saturday morning and I have an examination in the next 48 hours. Guessing you will take it for granted that I am still unsure of what examination I am to give on that fateful day.

Hours earlier I was suddenly aware that I had been asleep over my "educational notes" and they were suddenly damaged with my drool. Ten minutes of sleep and I already had enough drool to fill my coffee mug! Let me add that on normal instances I do NOT drool and that this poor child should not be judged especially when she is truly making an effort to look like she is studying. Come on, give the girl a break! I woke with a fright that filled my senses and told me that I am destined to fail these examinations. This fear that could eventually scare me into taking up my books again, turned out to be very short lived. But I pulled myself up and ran into the kitchen, put on the coffee maker and brewed enough coffee to serve the army and keep them up for days! I downed the coffee, filling my mug thrice and not stopping for a minute to allow the digestion process to take place. I may add that my feeling of nostalgia while drinking from a mug which bore my college emblem, gifted to me for god-in-heaven-knows why, eventually mixed up with the feeling of uneasiness from indigestion and soon I could not tell one from the other.

So after sitting myself down for a while in order to feel better, I realize that the coffee is taking effect and I want to do more things than my body will allow me to. That can explain the speed at which I am now typing.

I would at this point love to go into the intricacies of my love life or rather the deterioration of it. But I will save that for another piece which I have typed out as a draft and will choose to publish when I myself have understood the true complexities of the matter. As for now its just a mere mixture of questions.

Getting back to my present scenario, I finally take up my notes, sit them down on the table and start reading. This man, Mr. Hemant Kombrabail, amazes me. The name is not even half of what the man is in real terms. He is lunacy personified. Pants pulled high above the lungs, belt reaching all the way to the back with a fake Armani logo on the buckle, constant unchanging smile that gives you an eerie feeling and send chills down your spine. I have to confess that while I was his subject representative the previous semester, I did suck up to him by calling him and sweet talking him into changing the submission dates, but at no point did I mean it when I told him in the mornings that he was looking really fit. THAT, was to get the attendance I so clearly did deserve. So what if i was an hour late, I did turn up right? Lets get our priorities straight here! But this man, he surely has spent so much time into putting so much un-needed bulls**t into these notes, which will explain why he nearly pounced on one of the nerds in my class because he thought the little boy was stealing his work! Direct Marketing is such a simple concept. Yet, our university has found it necessary to create a whole subject on the matter. And since the concept is naturally simple, the problem that arises is that matter for the subject would be far too less. Hence, we have concepts like Customer Relations Management expanded into a whole chapter with 10 pages! This man, is the only one who has notes on this subject and hence has created a certain monopoly, which in-turn makes me want to hate him more. His words are way to vague on each matter. And being used to having a minimum of 5 different sets of matter on each subject other than this, I find myself lost in the 150 pages of bulls**t he has written.

Now, I could blame our great college for having hired professors who generally disappear between the most crucial year (note: The main reason we have to bear with Kombi for another semester) because they want to climb coconut trees down in the south of our country. I would rather blame the college for something more important like treating our department as alien, making us pay fines for hugging in the corridors (We do not support lesbianism!), or stopping us from visiting the Jhunka Bhakar across the street from college (Clear of the 50metre rule) to have our morning cuppa chai and regular 5 ciggrates along with it. The walking candle-stick (a.k.a Mascy) has this concept, you are damaging your system, polluting the minds of on-lookers along with the air around the college. Our concept, you move the chai-walla, the ciggie guy moves with him, and we follow them! Simple! Seriously, years has it been since this has been happening and suddenly this crazy implementation of calling parents if the child is found smoking OUTSIDE college premises? You have no say in the matter once we have stepped out of your damned gates! There is a line you just cant cross! And lets get real, you dont really give a damn about our health, its the "reputation" you are trying to hold up. You forget that we have a reputation of doing what we want to do no matter what.

Leaving that aside for now, lets look at the track record of this professor who occasionally disappears at her own free will. Being one of the permanent faculty, I find it unnerving whern she isnt around to teach us in what we call our "crucial" year. But the fault is our own, we got fooled by her cover up of being nice to us. This way she ensured that if we got her kicked out, we would be on a guilt trip 'cos she is the only part of the faculty who helped us when we were in deep s**t. Yeah, the only prof who took it well from Leroy when he said that she was often not really there. Also when he would confirm at the end of the class if she was going to turn up the next morning or not, requesting her to tell him now saving him the trouble of waking too early and venturing on the jouney from his home (the college hostel) till the class! Sport is the word. And the best thing is that she had the most amazing comebacks. The one line that always took the prize - "40 marks lie in my hands". I do miss the time she would talk to us with her eyes shut, trying to rememeber what she was supposed to say to us. Also the days when she would walk in, tell us that she wasn't in the mood, take attendance, and walk out. Remember so clearly the many times she would get confused as to which subject she was teaching!

Seriously, all the b***hy-ness is coming out as a cover up for the sense of loss that I feel ever since Tuesday when I walked out of college realizing that after 5 long years of torturous travelling and incipid canteen food along with unequivocally detestable treatment from teachers, I truly am going to miss the times spent within those walls. The crushes, boyfriends, flings, girl-fights, tears, laughs, naps in the large library and make-out sessions in the staircases near the priest-quarters...

Even while the phrase is degenerating to cliché in ordinary public use after being widely introcuded by Bryan Adams years back... I have to say this, These are the best days of my life!

Lost Again

2008-03-21T18:02:00.000+05:30

I fall a thousand times
before i wake again.
Before i realise
that i should be the one
to stop the spinning,
im dizzy and nauseaous
and falling again.

"Has to stop..has to..."

i keep telling myself...
I feel my deepest fear overcome me again.
Brings back the child that i resemble.
A small scratch, and im shattered.
The dark is where i choose to dwell.
I do not fear what i cannot see,
Its what stands in front of me...
that im am afraid of.
My reality.

Hey little girl....

2008-03-21T18:00:00.000+05:30

a cold heart
trying desperately to love
turns to a rose and it withers
looks to the blue sky and it rains.
Wat does one need to do in order to be loved
Change everything that was once beautiful in her
What must she do to keep the one she loves
Become his image of perfection?
Is love really what they say it is?
Birds and the bees, flowers and the trees…
Don’t look at me like that!
How could I know of love when ive never “loved”

You don’t want to love darling
Its nothing but pain
Its heart break at every corner
Disappointment at every turn
Once youre stuck
You cant get out of it
Cos you “love” them and you cant hurt them
But they can hurt you
Take your heart and ego and crush it under their feet
Tell you its for your own good
“im making you strong” is the excuse…
Take your beauty and win hearts with it
Don’t ever stumble though
Cos he will lie
He will cheat
He will shatter dreams
He will kill your esteem

Oh but love is beauty
It is the one thing people search for years and don’t find
And the one that keeps people together for years…

And you will never find out
Why those people are still in that “love”
Maybe it is because its too late
So my pretty, don’t make that mistake
The thorn on the rose will prick you
And the clouds will give you false hopes
Just like he will….

Reach for me

2008-03-21T17:59:00.001+05:30

You feel all alone reach for me
You should know as you're waiting helplessly
Somebody's here to hold you while you dream
You feel all alone reach for me

You wake up to another day of being by yourself
Sitting and wondering why you're here without someone else
You've cried and cried so many times there's no more tears
You've tried and tried to talk it out but no one hears

You'll make it through another night of lying there alone
Eyes wide open thinking that all of your love is gone
Repeating every single word she said was true
Remembering a time when all of it was new

Deep down, you heal
This time, is so real

Still have the pictures that remind you of the happiness
They try to fill the part of you that's left with emptiness
I know what hopelessness and pain inside can do
I try imagining that it was me and you

You should know as you're waiting helplessly
Somebody's here to hold you while you dream

-Lyrics to a song by Katie Marie

Fall in Love too Fast

2008-03-21T17:57:00.002+05:30

I fall in love too fast, and like a moth drawn to the flame
No light that burns so bright can last, it always ends the same
I told myself this time, this time I'll take it slow
Though I still believe, ooh that my heart should know

If anyone pays the price, I do
If anyone made it worth the cost I paid this time, it's you
Oh but this loneliness is proof
Though I keep trying to deny the truth

I know you're not the one I should be waiting for
It's hard to realize, it's time to close the door
It's taken me a while to see what any fool would know
I fall in love too fast, but let go too slow

I'm standing in the rain, I see my reflection in the glass
I see the one to blame, ooh never learning from the past

I know you're not the one I should be waiting for
But it's too hard to realize, it's time to close the door

-Lyrics to a song by Katie Marie

Hurt

2008-03-21T17:52:00.000+05:30

Hate the pressure,
Hate the pain,
Hate the way you say
You want me back again...
Your words, your deeds,
Cause me to want to not
ever believe you were once one I loved...!
Said I was a child,
Well im done with my game,
time to stack you up in the closet
and forget I ever played...
Said I was a loser,
Well look who lost!
Im sitting here laughing
while you shed a river...

Here With me

2008-03-21T17:49:00.000+05:30

You turned around to me,
The silence in the stairway allowed us
the sound of a tear dropping to the floor...
One among the million more to come.
You took me into your arms calmly,
I wondered why you were quiet instead of me,
I broke your heart in the end,
even though you became all I ever wanted you to be.
My tears soak into the new red shirt you bought months back,
you wanted to look special for today,
our anniversary,
you remembered me saying i loved you in red.
You were so composed while i sobbed,
Neither of us knew what was to happen
once you sat in your car and drove away for the last time.
The way you held my waist and pushed back
the hair from my face and said,
"Things are going to be okay for me, so just take care of yourself, Superstar."
You always called me that
and it made me smile a thousand times before.
But this time it made me cry more.
Why dont I love you anymore?
Why am i so selfish for wanting you to stick around,
be the shoulder when i cried?
You kissed my cheek and told me not to cry,
while a tear ran down your own cheek...
"I'll be fine!" you said, my line...
The one i used, when i wasnt sure if i was going to be ok or not.
You said you are going to take you away from me,
I know I'll miss you, but dont know what I can do about it,
I know I'll be alone when you shut your doors,
No one will get close to me like you did.
The last image I have of you, getting into your car and saying,
"I'll always look at this seat beside me,
and pretend you are here again,
telling me a million times that you love me,
and this time I swear i wont tell youto shut it.
I'll always love you my baby,
But as much as you look,
you will never find me,
Princess Anastasia..."

- May 8th 2007 -

Love?

2008-03-21T17:46:00.001+05:30

I stare at their faces,
Across the dining table...
I wonder if they know how I feel
If they understand how much it means
For me to know that they love me.
I pick up a tissue, reach out for her face
Need to wipe the little mustard off her chin
And she smacks my hand…
“What the hell are you doing?
Mind your own business!”
Oh, she doesn’t like that…
“I’m sorry darling”
I smile at her sister,
She rolls her eyes at me…

I’m scanning pictures
Of when they were asleep in my arms
Cuddling beside me to stay warm
I wonder where that love is gone…
Wonder if I lost it through my own actions
I sneak into their room…
Get under her blanket
And play with her hair
I kiss her forehead and hold her tight…
She stirs a bit and hugs me back
I whisper “I love you baby”
And I kiss her again
I climb up to the higher bunker
And look at the other one
Touch her cheeks and kiss them…
Why cant I do this when they are in front of me
Why do they hate me so much
Why do they not see how much I love them
Why do they dislike my touch

I wish I could yell at them and tell them I love them
I wish I could win their respect
I wish they could love me
I wish they could love me
I wish they could love me
My little twin beauties

- December 2007 -

Late

2008-03-21T17:45:00.002+05:30

I always keep spilling,
Overflowing onto the floor.
The endless pitter patter of my tears
Cause the people I love to sigh
"Not again! All she does is whine"

Why doesn't she love me? I wonder,
Why doesn't he understand?
Why do they flinch when I just wanna hold them, love them?
Why didn't he just cut the lies when he could?
Is it really so difficult to just be normal,
When I am truly as crystal as it gets?
Is it really that tough to give someone everything
And not expect them to take advantage?
All they keep telling me is that there is
Something the matter with me…
You are a child…
You are irresponsible…

You are a failure!

I scream and run
Run out into the open
Across the busy road
A car hits me
I crash onto the floor
Lifeless…
And it was done, in a matter of seconds
Im lost…

And all you had was those last words
To say to me
"You will never learn. You drive us up the wall,
You were the biggest mistake of our lives"
Would you then stare at my calm lifeless body,
Touch my face that would never glow again
Hold my hand not wanting to let go
Wishing you had one last moment
To savor the times I told you I loved you?
To tell me you loved me too,
Not through gifts and clothes,
Not by taking me to dinner
But by holding me in your arms
And saying three simple words,
And ending it with a warm kiss on my forehead

An "I love you" makes the difference…
But now, the lid is shut forever,
Lost are all the times you didn't realize

And as you wish I was by your side to wipe your tears,
And hug you as I always did…
They put me into the ground
Baby you have lost me forever…
My sweet little babies, I will always love you…
Mommy… miss me please...
I am gone…

- December 2007 -

After a While

2008-03-21T17:41:00.000+05:30

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

Its truly sad how time teaches what you really need to know... too late though. To look into the eyes of someone you once loved and adored and see that he is finally ready to put everything else aside him and accept every bit of you, every flaw, every tantrum. To then realise that he isnt the one you want to be with, that you no longer feel that same way about him. But why are we still unable to let go? Insecurity? Fear of loneliness?
Holding his hand, wrapping it slowly around your shoulders just to feel a little more protected, looking into his eyes and telling him what you are feeling and how troubled you are... just because he will listen.
No longer a belief in love... a cringe in my stomach when i hear the word, a need to stay away from the opposite sex. Not knowing where you belong, whether getting home will make things better... not knowing where home is to begin with. Here? Or there? Or somewhere i haven't explored yet?
A longing for food, yet unable to eat... A craving for love, yet a fear of the word. Who really means it? Who says it to make you smile? Who says it because it makes them feel better?

Who says it to keep you with them?

- June 7th, 2007 -