Take it and go!

Mad day.

What's new? Everyday... Same S**t, Different Day!

Today I had a meeting in Sharjah. I detest that place. Its so far and inaccessible and since the rates of rent are lower there, so many people opt out of living anywhere else. Now that is what causes the unavoidable traffic. Unavoidable… because there is no available, positive alternative, to the stuffy road that I was to travel on. So I waited for a cab for 20mins and then finally got into a Dubai Taxi who took me in on a condition that I would catch another taxi once we reached the start of Sharjah. This assh**e of a man, didnt even take me to that place. Before reaching the Sharjah Bridge, on the free-way, he stopped the car on the emergency stopping zone and made me get off. He sincerely advised me to "stand on these yellow lines here, and a taxi will stop for you". Furious, I got off. Got a taxi guy, who sweetly, stopped for me - in the middle of nowhere. And once I was in he immediately scolded me, "you shouldnt have done that! You should have refused to get off and you should have immediately called a cop". Apparently he saw what the earlier cabbie had done. I was too sleepy and in too much of pain (from walking half the free-way in my four inch heels).

On coming back, I got the same cabbie. What are the odds? So as we were stuck in traffic for 50 mins over, he took the liberty of telling me stories of his "oh-so-exciting" life. Turned out, he wasn’t as average as I was thinking him to be. Some 15 mins into the conversation, he told me that he had been to jail for 7 years. I was ready to jump into the on-coming traffic, deciding that may be safer! I relaxed for two seconds when he said it wasn’t for rape of murder. Hit the panic button when he told me it was for possession of Brown sugar. 10 kilos of deadly, nasha-giving brown sugar! He told me that he used to be a dealer (exporter) of the stuff.. I have no clue if he was just saying stuff to be flashy, but I was freaking out nonetheless! He told me how the love of his life was married to him when he was 18 and how she ran away with another man while he was in jail. He then told me so many things about the way he hated women because he thought all of them were like his ex-wife. Note: most of his conversation was not clearly understood by me thanks to the language barrier. I think now would be a good time to tell you that he was from Sri Lanka. He gave me advise on how to pass my driving test and also, being an almost 50 year old man, he advised me not to be a heartbreaker and to watch out for locals who think they can have what they want.

I got to office safe. And it was pouring in the middle of the afternoon.
Left the office 30 mins later to go for my Driving classes. I couldn’t get a cabbie so I got onto a bus. It took years to get there! I was 40mins late for a 60min class. Took 5 rounds that consisted of 20 continuous left turns in a parking lot. And he signed my sheet and warned me to be on time the next day. It took me another hour to get a bus back to work and an addition of 30mins in the bus. My boss was furious and I told him to shove it(I just didn’t say it out loud).
Sat at work all day and didn’t have a clue what was going on outside. I left the office at 6.30pm Sharp! Not usual for me as I normally leave later than that. I waited for a bus for 40 mins during which I watched an entire Heroes Season 3 Episode on my iPod. After getting a bus. I sat in it from 7.15pm till 9.15pm on a route that normally takes 20 mins. Sucked so bad because I finished 3 more episodes and was fresh out of stuff to do!

Now here I am, watching CSI Miami on my telly, writing this blog to vent, and anxiously waiting to tell my boy about it over Skyp* because he isn’t un-sleepy enough to read it here.

I am off to read the gripping "White Tiger".

Mad day, I loved it.

A long line of clichés

It has been a month and 19 days since I have seen you or heard from you... very cliché line to start with. I sit here wondering why I even bother about this, why the thought of you brightens my spirit for just a second and then pulls me back into the darkness for the next few hours. Why do I still trust that you might be able to make it better? It truly is absurd that you are still sticking around thinking that you can get away with this nonsense.

I saw so much potential in what we had. It wasn’t the first time I have seen potential in a relationship, isn’t the first time I thought it would last forever and ever. But what is different about you is that I still don’t get why, after all you have done, I still do see that same - or rather more - potential in you to stick with me to the end than the rest. Plus, it wasn't a relationship as far as I recall. Am I right? How did you put it... in all the things you wrote to me... let me get this right... you said I was "special". Oh hell, another... you know the word... cliché! You probably tell everyone that!

Very truthfully, you were the closest I ever got to perfect. Its an odd thing I say that when you also are the one person who has conveniently waltzed in and out of my life whenever you pleased. Is it fair to allow me to get myself into trouble while you sit and watch me untangle myself on my own? Yet you still are the one person who calmed me down the easiest. The only one who promised me not be judgmental of me. But I am being proved wrong, again.

Yes, I do drive people off the F****n' cliff. Yes, i do push them to the limit by being crazy/paranoid/moody/whinny/cranky all the time. But what I also do is stick with them through thick and thin. You have watched me for so many years, being the sweetheart that I am. Not thinking twice before being loving to anyone who needs love. I'd run to them in the wee hours of the night if that would make them feel better, and you of everyone would know that I’m not lying about this. You have seen it with your own two eyes! They cry, I weep. They lie in bed sick, I worry sick. They fall, I hurt. Yes, yes... a whole line of clichés again! But, true to the last word.

Where were you when I was weeping in pain and I needed your hand? I sat there on that plane that day, pretending to be okay, trying not to cry for fear that the world would give me a stare. Where were you when I was begging you to help me with my million problems?

And all this time I have been cranky and crazy only because you were such a mean person and I couldn’t get myself to say it to you. Cos you're god almighty, right? The all powerful! But I have a million questions I want answers to. Why, after all the effort you put into getting me back to trusting you, did you just throw it all away within a few days of getting me to love you again? I believed life was finally settled! And you just messed it up! I went crazy thinking why you wouldn’t bother to see what was in front of you and what you were doing to me? It got sick to the point when you just wouldn’t write back to me or answer me and I would feel stupid for that little while until my mind would take me to that place where you were the best to me and you cared... and the next day I was back to you... talking to you and again waiting for a reply that would never come. And no, I dont want the crazy answers you give to all of them... I want this to be personal. Just you and me... I am ready to take our relationship to the next level. And you just need to be as much a part of this bond as I am!

I love you, for all that you have given me till date. You have always been unconditional to me in the past. But I know now that my needs and wants are very elaborate. It is probably very upsetting for you when you cannot figure me out. Its everyone's complaint!

Now is when I need you the most. Be my companion on the bus while I get home, be beside me on the next treadmill, while I gym my fat away (I do still blame you for allowing me to get this fat). Make me be the strength that makes the world around me stand up tall. Make me the person I used to be a few years back, where I could put all my sorrows behind me in that closet and help the people I love the most. All you need to do, is hold my hand. Cos you love me and you promised me that you would love me till eternity. And I am doing all I can, to hold on to the silver lining in this dark cloud, to believe in you once again.

After all... You are God almighty right ;)



P.s. Now that I have been so sweet to you, can I get my new Blackberry soon.

Children dropout from school

You must see this... Beautifully done. I want to make documentaries like this...

Its a nice website too. Do check it if you think the video got you right.

http://www.mattiecstewart.org/insideout.html


InsideOut from The Mattie C. Stewart Foundation on Vimeo.

HSBC

I love the HSBC ads.

Lilac!

It's lilac. I have finally decided! After hours of arguing with myself, I have come to the conclusion that the colour of my new neighbour's couch is lilac. It's a tricky thing I must say. Because from across the road and one floor higher, you could easily be mistaken about a detail like such. And of late purple and all its hues and shades have become my passion. Oh, thats a fruit which is purple! or maybe a something of violet... thats another thing I can ponder upon during my next "hours of boredom" slot on my planner.


Its crazy how when you wait your entire work day for am hour off and when you finally have it in hand, you're wondering what your next new activity to pass "precious time" would be!

I do have a job. But I just have it keeping me busy for 9 hours a day. Its so different from working 16-19 hours on a stretch. I have all the time in the world and no one to spend it with. So I sit writing and browsing. It terrible you know, cos you end up finding enough time to think too much for your own good (a very common symptom of the lack-of-excitement syndrome that I suffer from).

I sit at work everyday, and I research so much that I actually, finally know where the hell Warsaw is! For all those who don't know this marvelous creature called Al, I , in the right words, SUCK at geography. I couldn't tell you where the great barrier reef was until a week back!

I finally use Google Reader to keep up on news (again, something I discovered due to my lack of things-to-do). I read NEWS!!! I plead ignorance, your honor. I know I am a media person, I should know what is happening around the world. But I dislike reading news papers.

Now, as the over-powering stench of Turpentine sneaks in through the door, I am wondering at my first point mentioned here, why on earth is this person in the opposite balcony moving in and not moving OUT? Why is my neighbour wasting his time colouring his ceiling? Is it wrong information I have been given about the recession hitting Dubai hard? If no, then how do some idiots still have the money to invest in mindless things while so many in the world suffer?

Growing Up...

I have a conscience finally!!! Yay me!

Dont think of me as crazy. I'm just you're average Jane who realizes things late in life. I am sure many people will agree with the end of that statement. :D

Its been there, existent, that voice, all throughout. But its been the annoying siren that always gets proven right, but by that time I have deliberately gone ahead and committed the exact contradictory act. Every human being, belonging to my strata of higher mortals with explicit reasons for survival, desires a friend; reason not primarily being for love and all that jazz. The reason is absurd, yet a fact. I know what I wanna do! Of course I know, this is Al you're talking about! I just simply want someone to contradict it so that my idea sounds impossible/dangerous/downright stupid, and hence, I have a stronger need to do it and find out the answer to the eternal question in my head, whats the worst that could happen?

All through my school and college, the job responsibility mentioned above, had been taken up by many-a-folk who decided it was their purpose on earth to make me a better, sensible person. I love all of them for helping me put my hand into the cookie-jar-filled-with-bees and for helping me, post my sticking-the-hand-in-the-jar experience, to take my hand out slowly, saving the jar for another mind-numbing, tear-filled, idiotic experiment. 'Nuf said?

When the growing up bit of my life finally kicked in, maturity and sensibility tagged along for the joy ride. Did me some good but kinda took the fun away from a load of things. Like lying. You lie and then apologize later. Where's the fun in that??? I now keep my hands to myself a little longer while I contemplate, "should I really reach out for the itch in my back?" and then actually go with the safer option. I hope I haven't lost my true self some where in this thing that we all face as higher beings on the food chain. I wanna be a wild lion when I see the cheesecake slice lying on my plate, as if it may suddenly grow feet out of nowhere and begin to run away from me. But I cant even eat that no more 'cos of the recent weight I have gained. See how my conscience's existence gets proved here? I am not doing this to myself, my stupid conscience is! I would never do this to me myself. I am just the silent accomplice in this horrendous crime.

I never thought saying that dreaded word would be so tough, while I have said it all my life to so many people. I had to say it to my mom, when she asked me if I wanted a donut. And after so many years of experience of saying it as a reply to her questions like, "would you clean your damn room?" or "Will you shut that television and go study?", you would think I could just get out there and say it simply. Considering "no" is a two letter word, its absurd that this is so tough and I have to force myself to say it! One question off the topic, why the hell do parents ask questions as if they want answers and when you answer them it gets them off the edge of that last existing nerve??? Do I look like I can tell the difference between rhetoric and real(if that's the opposite) at 12?

Now my conscience is asking me to go back to work. Again! I am not doing this to myself. It is the wicked-witch in the west of my brain who is the culprit. I want to sit here and entertain myself with the funny thoughts I am having while writing this. You see, the person I am does not find it necessary to entertain you at this point, its an entertaining act for me, to write about the first thought that I woke up with this morning.

You have fun, that's your issue. But you could let me know about it. If you want to, that is.

Hush...

I have a dream...
every time, I close my eyes.
When the silence is deafening,
when the darkness engulfs me,
its you i see.
Beautiful and standing tall,
looking for someone.
I see me..afraid
and lonely.
"Come to me...
complete me.." I plead...
but you do not hear me,
its someone else you seek.
Do you not recognize me?
Eyes that you once looked into,
and made promises of forever...

Don't these hands seem familiar?
They're the same ones you held,
when you slept at night,
I see you with someone else,
you take her hand,
like you once did mine...
you look into her eyes
and are lost...what you say to her...
I know I cannot bear to hear.
It pains my heart to feel this way.
But my dream does not end here..
its my dream..allow me to spin it around you...
as long as you are in my dreams,
i am close to you...
i fear to think of what were to come...
If i stopped dreaming..nothing more to live for...
Hush..oh cruel world...
...I'm dreaming.

-Al

The pink ribbon

I will admit, I saw Oprah yesterday and hence I am convinced to write this today. Not that I was never aware of Breast Cancer and its problems. But I thought it was something women in their 40+ should worry about. This, as I was educated yesterday, is incorrect. Apparently if you have it in your genes, you are likely to get it at a very early age.

Christina Appellgate who is 36 now, has just undergone a double mastectomy. In medicine, mastectomy is the medical term for the surgical removal of one or both breasts, partially or completely. Do you realise what that means? A woman's breasts are her pride. A part of her body. When a woman gives birth, she will not be able to breast feed after a double mastectomy! It scared the living daylights out of me to think of that. Small or big, I believe they are a major part of the body. Would a man be able to live without HIS thingamajig (yes that is a word)? I nearly cried reading this para that a woman wrote, "A few days before my double mastectomy, I would spend hours in the shower, looking down at them and accepting their departure slowly. Feeling them for the last few times. It was like letting go of something that defines you. Under the running water I would cry thinking of whether it would make me less of a woman and what I would tell the world."

Here is something you may not have known:

• About 1,990 new cases of invasive breast cancer diagnosed in men in 2008. Less than 1% of all new breast cancer cases occur in men.

• About 90% of breast cancers are due not to heredity, but to genetic abnormalities that happen as a result of the aging process and life in general.

• About 1 in 8 women in the United States — or 13%, or 13 out of every 100 — can expect to develop breast cancer over the course of an entire lifetime.

• Even though studies have found that women have a 13% lifetime risk of developing breast cancer, your individual risk may be higher or lower than that. Individual risk is affected by many different factors, such as family history, reproductive history, lifestyle, environment, and others.

As I watched Oprah, which I now know was an old episode, she said that a mammography is not always enough. Most of the time you need to confirm it with an MRI. I know an MRI is expensive, but I also will like you to realize that losing your breasts is an even more expensive affair. Sometimes an MRI alone also doesn't do the job right. If you're in the later stages, even a biopsy is necessary. Don't wait till you're sick and have to go to the doctor. You're 27, 30 and have dense breasts, get yourself checked. If you have a family history of it, I don't understand why this blog needs to convince you to go get tested! Haven't you already realized that its a possibility you already have it? A woman should consider genetic testing for changes in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes if she has a family history of multiple individuals with breast cancer from different generations.

Remember, a mastectomy is not the only cure for breast cancer. It all depends on which stage you're in. I know the breast cancer website is not very helpful especially because it is non-user friendly. But you want good basics, there are multiple blogs online of women who have experienced it. For proper medical terms, check the website.

Please get checked at the earliest. I am not campaigning, I just care about people close to me.