Handover

I can no longer hold onto
these reins that bruise my palms,
hurt my arms.
So I let it slide away
and await the sound of the crash.

The ton of emotions
weighs down on my chest.
Subdued sounds of bump-bump
can barely be heard.
So I stand upright
and await the impending relief.

My eyes can no longer
see the horizon beyond this 
pile of words
all stacked up so unevenly.
One swing of my arms
and they scatter all over

I now wait for you,
to gather up this burden
I've carried this too far too long now.

Distance

I dreamed of whispering in your ear, 

Words so sweet yet clear,

To calm down your urge to fearlessly hold my wrist and take me from the crowd.

Take me to a place where no one would notice,

Cos what you had in mind to do to me

Would gain a lingered stare from the most insane of people.

But my lips so close in your ear would not help

They did more damage than I'd expected

The warmth emanating from your slender beautiful neck wouldn't help me be practical either,

as I should be in the middle of a chaotic street.

Oh the sweet pleasures of being away from you

Just to want you more 

Take me

You look into my eyes
As if you see right through me
Deep inside where I am numb
It makes me feel so naked
So powerless in your arms

Take me away from here
To an island blue and green
Breathe into me, make my blood warm
like I know you can
Been frozen all this while
without your touch

Feel like I have waited for this moment
A thousand years gone by
No other touch can feel this way
No other kiss can wet these lips right

Timeless beauty
This could last forever.
Twirl me around in circles
On this moonless night
And watch me get dizzier in your trance
This moment wont pass soon
Take me now…

Spring is here... and

the blooming flowers

give out an eerie smell that is divine

to the strangers around us,

yet you don’t even notice it.

I wanna be your companion

and hold your hand,

laughing at the simpleton across the street,

who is trying to walk straight

under the million shopping bags his wife has thrust him with.

I want to share nights with you,

that are not finished by the dark.

I want you in the club,

watching me for the first 20 minutes,

dance alone, looking like I’ve shot up,

while you wait to get drunk enough

to pull me close and not feel the crowd.

As I pen my deepest thoughts,

and while my heartaches bleed out onto the paper,

I want you to watch me light up your last cigarette,

breaking free with the smoke I let out.

I want to smile as you smile,

Giggle with you at nothing at all,

looking inanely stupid doing it.

Make me your lover.

I wanna find the passions

that move you to action

out of your couch into my arms.

I wanna be the naughty

that urges you to come back for more,

and forget the snooker game on the telly.

I want to make you English breakfast,

and hear you complain about how you hate it,

while you finish your last bite.

I would watch you teaching me how to make dinner,

and later fight for the last morsel on the plate.

I want to struggle in the shower,

argue for cold against hot,

Cos I love the sound you make when you shiver.

In the middle of the night,

I want to pull the blanket off you

Just so that you come close,

and cling onto me.

I wanna wake in the morning

and smile while I watch you pull out

all your clothes from the closet,

searching for the perfect match.

I love how you’re always up before me.

I want everyday to be the weekend

where I can lie on the couch

while you lay your head on my chest

and hold my hands to keep me

from changing the channel.

It’s not secret I have kept from you.

Very simply put,

in all your entirety,

your flaws, your anger,

your never ending temper.

I want you.

-Al

Another open door

The pain was too much to bear, she gave up and sat on the floor. Once again, her big red suitcase was being filled with the clothes and things that would fit that space.

Another move.

She should’ve gotten used to this by now, you would think. She sat against the door and let her tears flow free for just a few minutes. They wouldn’t appreciate her locking the door. Nor would they like seeing her cry. It would simply seem like she was being ungrateful because they did all they could to make her smile all these months.

She sat there remembering how, not so many years back, she had fought with her mom about how unfair it was that she couldn’t have her own room. Today, she would give anything to stop living out of this suitcase. What she wouldn’t give for some decent shelf space that lasted more than a month.

Her family has been split, by fate, into so many parts and so far away. She is too young for this. Yet no one seems to notice her need for the love she is missing out on. 23 is a rude age to be without your family to stand behind you and tell you that it’s all gonna be okay. How will she ever make it? Why should she believe that life gets better and that every Xmas is not going to be so cold? Why should she believe in forever, in love, in family?

She wipes away her tears and pulls herself up. Gets the last of her things and neatly stacks them in the bag. Looks in a mirror and sees a child who just grew up too soon. She rummages through her bag and finds her make-up. Puts on a fresh new layer to cover the bags under her eyes. Switches on her podette, plugs it in and listens to “Mustang Sally”. With a smile on her face she walks out yet another door.

The last Descent

The dress was a perfect fit. It made her hips look perfect. Her breasts were full and sensuous, completing the curve that was deemed perfect. She finally noticed how much weight she'd lost over the past year. Last year, she wouldn’t have been able to sport this purple-sequined, clinging-to-her-body Armani. Her shoulders were bare and looked slightly slouched and so she straightened up. Smoothened a crease on the waistline and noticed him walk in.

She smiled at him through the mirror as he came to a halt right behind her. He had a look in his eyes, she realized, that she didn’t recognize. Maybe it was because it had been months since they looked at each other this way. Weeks since they had seen each other with the lights on. She regretted coming home so late every night. But she consoled herself by thinking, it was necessary, I know he understands. He helped her clip on the diamond necklace she was struggling with. And she smiled again. Again, he didn’t return it. She noticed the wrinkles for the first time tonight. He had bags under his eyes. She felt miserable about how she hadn't the time to hold him close and ask him about his day. Tonight, she promised herself, tonight she would give him the world and more. I’ll do all it takes to make him happier than he has ever been before. Now that the dust had finally settled, they could enjoy each other, again.

She took his arm and they calmly walked out the room. As they stood there atop the staircase, she looked out at her world. Everyone was there, her past, present and hopefully, her future too. She turned to her right and looked at her real world, tall and handsome. He made her feel 16 again. She smiled at him brightly and he didn't return it. She had been so distant lately that she could no longer tell what the stern look meant. He instantly knew how she felt and so he made it easy for her and said “I want a divorce.”

Being this new woman she had recently become, she didn’t show any hint of emotion to that. He doesn’t mean that! Or does he? She thought to herself and looked ahead at the guests. She just wanted to take a moment, to let what he said, sink in. But he wouldn't have that. He wanted this last night end as soon as it possibly could. So they began their decent down the white marble staircase, all throughout she kept smiling her best smile. No one was going to be allowed into the closet she was hiding her emotions in. She was shattering, one little piece at a time.

How could he do this tonight?

“Oh, what a lovely dress that is, darling.”

In front of everyone here, tonight?

“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you both”

After all we have been through. Tonight?

“Look how perfect they look together. You cant help but be jealous”

Just when everything has finally fallen into place. Tonight?

It was only 7 years ago, to this day, that he had promised to stick by her, through sickness and health, through the good times and the bad.

Then why, tonight?

Stay...For all that was...

When you take something and crush it with your own hands, do you still have the right to be miserable about it? Even though you were aware that it was made of precious glass?

It cuts so deep, this pain.

We manage to hurt so many people, all at once. And I did this all myself.

I’m struggling in the sea that I threw myself into. Scared about the shark below and the water all around that will drown me, for I do not know how to swim. Nor do I know how to tackle a shark. I’m sunk.

Yesterday, we grew up. Nothing will bring us back. But I will stick to you like contact-adhesive.

Please stay, don’t go away. 

Stranger

A smile and I’d made a new friend
Another smile and it seemed like he’d known me from some place before
One more dimpled pull and my heart had been stolen
He stretched out his hands to me
And I accepted the love
He stood on my lap and touched my face
With his tiny hands
I seemed like something of a marvel to him
A laugh to make your heart melt,
At every funny face I made
A giggle, at every attempt to tickle,
that made the other passengers envy me for that moment
He had never known me
But the love in his eyes was unmistakable
He was content for just that minute
Not knowing any sorrow to come
Not knowing any fear of the future
Just for this minute
He wouldn’t let me go for his mother
Nor another
He stayed there the entire journey
Playing with my hair, listening to my music and smiling at me


When it was time to leave,
He stretched out his hands to his mother
And allowed her to take him away from me
I sensed his acceptance of departure
And my hesitation at the same

In just two hours of utter happiness,
He left with a smile and I with a tear

I don't know why!

Why does it suddenly seem to me that no one is as excessively sensitive as I am? Its like the whole world is aware of how to turn the knob from nice to mean b***h, except me!

Let me introduce you to... Me. I am the most sensitive, naive, emotionally charged, hyperactive being you will come across in your short life span. At 22, I have mastered the art of throwing a tantrum. Once you know me, its hard to not see the real me. I figure "open book" is the right term to be used to describe it. I am Principal Moody of the Loonybin Academy for youngsters. I can go from "happy as a hyena" to "the xmas grinch" in seconds. It is very difficult for me to be straightforwardly rude to people who are close to me and have hurt me. I cry almost immediately about everything. I think too much about things and analyse them too much and yet somehow say stupid things that make me wish I had a cure for my foot in mouth syndrome. Sometimes, my excess-analysis causes me to not move to action for fear of my predictions coming true. I make these predictions based on my intuition and the excess-analysis helps here too. At 7am, I will be upbeat and happy about stupid things like how the bird sitting on the windowsill is not singing and by 9am, I have indefinitely found something to be miserable about and chances are, I will stay that way for the rest of the day. If I am mad at someone, and they are not around me, I will rehearse in front of the mirror all the things I will say to them, so many times over... that when I do see them, I have lost my frustration and am floored by the immense love I feel for them. And pah, they're forgiven for even "kissing another woman in bright daylight, by mistake, thinking her to be me". So in the bargain, I have lectured myself on stuff I want them to know. My anger is the most short-lived among all the women I know personally.

As you are aware of the fact that I am a woman, I do not need to tell you that we are complicated creatures by birth. I, for one, take up the task of turning my already messed up head into a Rolladeck of information about everything that does and does not concern me. If someone has a problem, I manage to make it my own problem and get way too involved in it. Unlike other women, for me, saying "No" is more of a task than dealing with getting "No" as an answer. There are a lot of things that make me different from other women like, I drive well and I detest shopping.

I am almost always unsure of what kind of style I want to carry. Some days I am a tomboy, some days a beach babe in flipflops and relaxed, while some days I like to look sophisticated. Either ways, I am never comfortable in whatever I so choose to go with. And I was flattered when the other day, a really hot chick said to me, "You know, you're the most classically pretty. You're a versatile beauty Al". It made me so confident that the next two days although I knew that my bohemian style was not being accepted by passersby, I was confident that I looked pretty! That hot chick happens to be my best friend and I know she isn't saying it "just for my ego boost" but because she means it.

I scare myself sometimes, you know. I wonder what kind of human being I am and how messed up my children are going to turn out if I keep at it. Here I go, thinking again. This line just brought back memories of my close friends naming my children "humus" and other names, which if I post here, might be rude according to atleast 5 different races. I often blame so many people for not taking the time to understand me, while I am well aware of the fact that its not an easy thing to learn how to do. I believe I should have a manual to help people do that!

My favourite line is a common one, "you just don’t understand me!". If I just had a dime for everytime I said that...

While the breeze blew through my hair...

I thought...
Tormented thoughts
Deviate me from my path
Of trying hard to defy
The nature of my world
My world
The place where its bright yet only
White
A blasting white
Nothing to paint it purple with
I take my book of literature
And try to use it
As a brush
To smudge the blotches of lovely fuchsia
And positivity flows through
The million words of love
That are non-existent in the text
Pushing through these
Horrendously beautiful intentions of walking
On the cloud

Hope… present at location
With faith in all its absence
Although they go hand in hand
Your touch made my body
Tremble…
Youre saying words that push
Pull me hard
Close to youre chest
The heart beat in there
Will tell mine to start again
Bump bump bump
Make it thump
Quick
Im falling fast
Hell’s walls are painted a bright white
To make the rooms look bigger
Just so that you realize
How much of space is empty
Filled with your loneliness.

-Al

Overlooked

Smack

"Now what is it?"

"You're not paying attention!"

"I'm listening, say what you have to."

"Its not going to be something you like."

"I dont always like what you say, but I do still listen. "

"Well, I'm not in love anymore."

"Buy a new purse then."

"Huh?"

He turns around to look at her.

"I noticed you seem to like green a lot more now a days, buy a green one."

Whack

"What was that for?"

"I dont love YOU anymore."

"And why not?"

"Cos... well... u kno..." Hesitation

He smiles and takes her hand. 

"Its just a phase baby, of course you love me. Who else would love you back like I do?'

"Youre taking me for granted!?!?"

Hugs her

"Not granted... I know you, you cant live without me. "

 She mumbles...

"That is just worse."

50 amazing years!

I was asked to come up with a few lines for my grandparents Golden Jubilee. I was given 10 mins. This taught me that improv makes it so much more personal and cute.

The couple on their wedding day

I have been so lucky

I've been taken care of by you

You fed, bathe, taught me

even advised me often too

Today as both of you look back

with happiness and pride

Upon the fifty cherished years

That you've spent side by side.

May every memory you share

Of dreams you've seen come true,

Help make this special Golden day

A happy one for you!

I pray that I learn to love

like you two love each other

When I make it to 50 I will say

"I learnt from my Grandpa and Grandmother"

I am a woman...

When I tell you I am not tired after doing the dishes, feeding the kids, doing the laundry and vacuuming the room… I am actually asking you to make me a nice cup of hot masala chai.

When I am walking around the room in irritation, mad at you for something you did wrong, I want you to keep quiet and listen to my gibberish and later, once I walk out the room, follow me to give me your explanation. And even though I know you will, just to make me feel better, tell me you wont do it again.

When I am throwing a tantrum, the last thing you should say is, “Youre just like every other woman!” Well then, go find yourself a replacement seeing that it wouldn't be a problem.




When I am crying about how my day isn’t going as per what I had planned, don’t make it about you.

When I am saying I hate my life, don’t make it about you.

When I am telling you I am having a bad day, don't make it about you...

When I have caught you with another woman, don’t make it about me…

I am a woman.

I may be a crazy driver, but its cos I am always thinking about what I have to do, when I have to pick up the kids from school, what I have to cook for dinner, why my boss rejected my article… I am always thinking. Cos god didn’t give me the talent to shut off whenever I choose to, like he did you.

Don't ever complain about my monthly cycle. It is not like I'm in love with the whole idea either. But there isn't much I can do. One week's time-out in a month is too much to ask for?

I may be eccentric, unruly, moody and cranky a little too often. But I am also the one who carried our baby for 9 months in me and dealt with the stretch marks after those 9 months while I dealt with you telling me I have put on too much. I am the one who can find your car keys everytime you lose them, even though they are in plain sight, but I cant blame you for having buttons for eyes now, can I?

I am a woman. I am not afraid to confess my short-comings. But seeing that I have so many positive edges, it would only be fair that I ask you not to generalize, complain or back-bitch about how you cannot understand women.

My love, not even a woman can understand women. And that is what adds the spice to life if you ask me.

Lingering something...

My head begins to spin,
Reaching out for something as support...
I find your hand.
Your warmth makes my heart beat faster and slower
both at the same time.
I know its clichéd
But its true.

I wanna be the warm morning breeze
That floats calmly across your face,
Leaving just a misty feeling as proof of its existence.

I wanna tickle your senses
Like a sour grape in winter
that you wish you never tasted, cos now you cant get enough.

Its on an island.. Blue and green,
You take away the fear of water from inside me,
And fill the spaces with nothing
But sweet somethings that linger.

Don't look behind

I need you.

But I will tell you what I don’t need. I definitely don’t need the drop in my self- confidence. I do not want the incessant need for over protection masked with “care”. I do not demand to be told what my life is “supposed” to be.

I have never known of myself as one to follow norms. Do I look like I care about what society thinks? I love my god but I do not believe he put me here with a script written so next time you tell me I was “born” to do a woman’s job, slap yourself.

Actually, just slap yourself anyway. You managed to turn a brightly coloured tiger lily that’s full of life and energy into this ugly weed that is just lying there waiting to be uprooted and thrown away.

I told you. Don’t change me. You should have just let me be.

Now, do all you think you can to turn the clock back. 

My ray of sunshine

You know the feeling, when all you do is stare at your screen and smile to eternity?

The feeling of knowing that there are people who came into your life and just stayed there, never once complaining that you don’t say hi anymore or that you don’t keep them updated on your life anymore. And no matter the distance, no matter the time lapse, you can still pick up where you left off.

Its best when it happens at that moment when you have cursed every other thing and wished for a simple happy life. You see that ray of light blinding you and calling out to you.

Change is constant

Life is about reaching somewhere.

Its always like that. You wake up everyday with a drive to something. Everyone I know has a goal. It’s the reason you wake up on a Monday morning.

Mine changes everyday.

Once upon a time...

..there was a princess and now she’s got her fairy tale.

She stands a few inches above 5 feet and owns the brightest smiles I’ve seen yet. When she laughs for real it’s from her heart and you can really tell from the sound. She has come a long way from wearing braces and crazy weird denims that would go all the way above the place it’s supposed to be at, to being a successful young lady who works with Citi Group in the USA for the past 4 years. 

She is the daughter that her dads boasts of, a hard working girl who makes her mom’s heart leap when she says “what’s up mumma darling?” and a sister who is always there to listen to drunken woes over the weekends even though its 1 in the afternoon on her Saturday off work.

I do not know of one person who dislikes her.

And she has now met her prince. He towers above her at an inch above  5'11", a broad built and smart (from the three odd conversations that I have had with him) hard-working guy who can hold up a very intellectually stimulated conversation (and we all know how tough that is to come by with men). Truth is, when he is around, I have seen her glow. You can imagine a pretty thing like her would look even more stunning with that happy aura around her.

Their story is beautiful because… she is marrying her best friend.

For years they have been by each other through the ups and downs, through the sickness and the good moments. So they finally figured that there was something more to this. They’ve done more than stick to vows of friendship for so many years and they realized that they wouldn’t find anyone else who would fit so perfectly into their lives.

They tie the knot in the eleventh month of this year and I couldn’t be more excited. I am hoping to write a lot more about the whole affair from the end of October to the wedding. After all, she is my sister. 

Stop and feel

Oh heart, my heart
why do you ache so?
This is the way that life is to be

The pain has been divided
over the world, to every creature
The tears have been shared
by every soulful eye he created
The joy to everyone that breathes
has been rightfully allotted

Yet Life did its justice
When it chose you to bear this burden,
it looked at you,
realized your strength,
knew what you could bear

So know this
oh heart, my heart
What you hold in you
is what you deserve

It’s only your share of pain
that you need to bear
Do not hurt for the rest

It’s only your load of tears
that you need to shed
Don't be greedy for another’s

It’s only your bounty of joy
that you need to hold on to

But life never stopped you
from multiplying your love
For that is the one weight
you can carry fourfold your size

You are and always will be
Oh heart, my heart

punctuate this!

i am lost in what i think others want me to do, think and feel

if i like a movie, book or piece of art that u dont, well bloody hell i want to like it cos i do! i want to do it without conviction and judgements from u

but actually, to hell with ur judgements

and i dont like everything i say i do. most of the times i just say i do. but well hypocrite, so do u! i want away from the worry of not being liked for saying what i feel and how i feel it. for needing to stop writing cos i dont want 'u' to read.

i love me more than i know i do. its ok if u dont. its ok if u read and say 'what a bore' or 'how could she dare say something like that' cos i do not want u to care anymore.

if i dont like what ur wearing, il write it. just be happy im not saying it out loud!

if i think ur a jerk and u cant lead a team, il say it. thank ur stars im nt saying it to the others.

online.. u dont know me, i dont know u...

its a blog! lets keep it at that, shall we?