Monday, January 10, 2011


What happens when a trigger happy person like me just hates taking pictures with her own face in it?

I never fully understood what it felt like when chubby women said to me "I hate my own pictures". Now I can fully gauge what it feels like to dislike ur own reflection. I can't stand to see my once so flat tummy stick out like santa's happy belly. My face now has a double chin! My arms are as large as my thighs used to be...

I've always loved food. Cheesecake, pasta, pani puri, chicken lollipops... Everything! Now I'm scared that the thought of it might just make me fatter! I don't understand... Even before.. I used to eat just this much. I never gained this way.. Now I bloat with just day of outside food.

I want to be slim and pretty again. I want to lie flat on my back and look down to see my toes without having to look over the mound of fat! I want to turn heads. I want to be able to wear tube tops without having to be bothered by my chubby arms and large shoulders.

Somehow I want my boyfriend to fall in love with me again.


I stand before this world broken and unable to renew

I stand before my judges who will placate all my moves

I stand before this world that wants to take me apart

It will not replace what it has stolen

My body is battered and my eyes are swollen

My face is streaked with remnants of tears

All I am asking for is your love and the rest of all my years

The world absorb every bit of me until there is no more

It will peel back my essence and pacify my soul

It  will rip apart my seems until it can take control

Look at me as I stand before you damaged from his place

Is this what you were looking for when you looked at my face?

My heart no longer beats it's true, my body grows now cold

I am searching for so much more but I can't catch hold

My bones a brittle and riddled with breaks

I don't know where you have gone; I will fight for you no matter the stakes