Friday, March 21, 2008

Lost Again

I fall a thousand times
before i wake again.
Before i realise
that i should be the one
to stop the spinning,
im dizzy and nauseaous
and falling again.

"Has to stop..has to..."

i keep telling myself...
I feel my deepest fear overcome me again.
Brings back the child that i resemble.
A small scratch, and im shattered.
The dark is where i choose to dwell.
I do not fear what i cannot see,
Its what stands in front of me...
that im am afraid of.
My reality.

Hey little girl....

a cold heart
trying desperately to love
turns to a rose and it withers
looks to the blue sky and it rains.
Wat does one need to do in order to be loved
Change everything that was once beautiful in her
What must she do to keep the one she loves
Become his image of perfection?
Is love really what they say it is?
Birds and the bees, flowers and the trees…
Don’t look at me like that!
How could I know of love when ive never “loved”

You don’t want to love darling
Its nothing but pain
Its heart break at every corner
Disappointment at every turn
Once youre stuck
You cant get out of it
Cos you “love” them and you cant hurt them
But they can hurt you
Take your heart and ego and crush it under their feet
Tell you its for your own good
“im making you strong” is the excuse…
Take your beauty and win hearts with it
Don’t ever stumble though
Cos he will lie
He will cheat
He will shatter dreams
He will kill your esteem

Oh but love is beauty
It is the one thing people search for years and don’t find
And the one that keeps people together for years…

And you will never find out
Why those people are still in that “love”
Maybe it is because its too late
So my pretty, don’t make that mistake
The thorn on the rose will prick you
And the clouds will give you false hopes
Just like he will….

Reach for me

You feel all alone reach for me
You should know as you're waiting helplessly
Somebody's here to hold you while you dream
You feel all alone reach for me

You wake up to another day of being by yourself
Sitting and wondering why you're here without someone else
You've cried and cried so many times there's no more tears
You've tried and tried to talk it out but no one hears

You'll make it through another night of lying there alone
Eyes wide open thinking that all of your love is gone
Repeating every single word she said was true
Remembering a time when all of it was new

Deep down, you heal
This time, is so real

Still have the pictures that remind you of the happiness
They try to fill the part of you that's left with emptiness
I know what hopelessness and pain inside can do
I try imagining that it was me and you

You should know as you're waiting helplessly
Somebody's here to hold you while you dream

-Lyrics to a song by Katie Marie

Fall in Love too Fast

I fall in love too fast, and like a moth drawn to the flame
No light that burns so bright can last, it always ends the same
I told myself this time, this time I'll take it slow
Though I still believe, ooh that my heart should know

If anyone pays the price, I do
If anyone made it worth the cost I paid this time, it's you
Oh but this loneliness is proof
Though I keep trying to deny the truth

I know you're not the one I should be waiting for
It's hard to realize, it's time to close the door
It's taken me a while to see what any fool would know
I fall in love too fast, but let go too slow

I'm standing in the rain, I see my reflection in the glass
I see the one to blame, ooh never learning from the past

I know you're not the one I should be waiting for
But it's too hard to realize, it's time to close the door

-Lyrics to a song by Katie Marie


Hate the pressure,
Hate the pain,
Hate the way you say
You want me back again...
Your words, your deeds,
Cause me to want to not
ever believe you were once one I loved...!
Said I was a child,
Well im done with my game,
time to stack you up in the closet
and forget I ever played...
Said I was a loser,
Well look who lost!
Im sitting here laughing
while you shed a river...

Here With me

You turned around to me,
The silence in the stairway allowed us
the sound of a tear dropping to the floor...
One among the million more to come.
You took me into your arms calmly,
I wondered why you were quiet instead of me,
I broke your heart in the end,
even though you became all I ever wanted you to be.
My tears soak into the new red shirt you bought months back,
you wanted to look special for today,
our anniversary,
you remembered me saying i loved you in red.
You were so composed while i sobbed,
Neither of us knew what was to happen
once you sat in your car and drove away for the last time.
The way you held my waist and pushed back
the hair from my face and said,
"Things are going to be okay for me, so just take care of yourself, Superstar."
You always called me that
and it made me smile a thousand times before.
But this time it made me cry more.
Why dont I love you anymore?
Why am i so selfish for wanting you to stick around,
be the shoulder when i cried?
You kissed my cheek and told me not to cry,
while a tear ran down your own cheek...
"I'll be fine!" you said, my line...
The one i used, when i wasnt sure if i was going to be ok or not.
You said you are going to take you away from me,
I know I'll miss you, but dont know what I can do about it,
I know I'll be alone when you shut your doors,
No one will get close to me like you did.
The last image I have of you, getting into your car and saying,
"I'll always look at this seat beside me,
and pretend you are here again,
telling me a million times that you love me,
and this time I swear i wont tell youto shut it.
I'll always love you my baby,
But as much as you look,
you will never find me,
Princess Anastasia..."

- May 8th 2007 -


I stare at their faces,
Across the dining table...
I wonder if they know how I feel
If they understand how much it means
For me to know that they love me.
I pick up a tissue, reach out for her face
Need to wipe the little mustard off her chin
And she smacks my hand…
“What the hell are you doing?
Mind your own business!”
Oh, she doesn’t like that…
“I’m sorry darling”
I smile at her sister,
She rolls her eyes at me…

I’m scanning pictures
Of when they were asleep in my arms
Cuddling beside me to stay warm
I wonder where that love is gone…
Wonder if I lost it through my own actions
I sneak into their room…
Get under her blanket
And play with her hair
I kiss her forehead and hold her tight…
She stirs a bit and hugs me back
I whisper “I love you baby”
And I kiss her again
I climb up to the higher bunker
And look at the other one
Touch her cheeks and kiss them…
Why cant I do this when they are in front of me
Why do they hate me so much
Why do they not see how much I love them
Why do they dislike my touch

I wish I could yell at them and tell them I love them
I wish I could win their respect
I wish they could love me
I wish they could love me
I wish they could love me
My little twin beauties

- December 2007 -


I always keep spilling,
Overflowing onto the floor.
The endless pitter patter of my tears
Cause the people I love to sigh
"Not again! All she does is whine"

Why doesn't she love me? I wonder,
Why doesn't he understand?
Why do they flinch when I just wanna hold them, love them?
Why didn't he just cut the lies when he could?
Is it really so difficult to just be normal,
When I am truly as crystal as it gets?
Is it really that tough to give someone everything
And not expect them to take advantage?
All they keep telling me is that there is
Something the matter with me…
You are a child…
You are irresponsible…

You are a failure!

I scream and run
Run out into the open
Across the busy road
A car hits me
I crash onto the floor
And it was done, in a matter of seconds
Im lost…

And all you had was those last words
To say to me
"You will never learn. You drive us up the wall,
You were the biggest mistake of our lives"
Would you then stare at my calm lifeless body,
Touch my face that would never glow again
Hold my hand not wanting to let go
Wishing you had one last moment
To savor the times I told you I loved you?
To tell me you loved me too,
Not through gifts and clothes,
Not by taking me to dinner
But by holding me in your arms
And saying three simple words,
And ending it with a warm kiss on my forehead

An "I love you" makes the difference…
But now, the lid is shut forever,
Lost are all the times you didn't realize

And as you wish I was by your side to wipe your tears,
And hug you as I always did…
They put me into the ground
Baby you have lost me forever…
My sweet little babies, I will always love you…
Mommy… miss me please...
I am gone…

- December 2007 -

After a While

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn...

Its truly sad how time teaches what you really need to know... too late though. To look into the eyes of someone you once loved and adored and see that he is finally ready to put everything else aside him and accept every bit of you, every flaw, every tantrum. To then realise that he isnt the one you want to be with, that you no longer feel that same way about him. But why are we still unable to let go? Insecurity? Fear of loneliness?
Holding his hand, wrapping it slowly around your shoulders just to feel a little more protected, looking into his eyes and telling him what you are feeling and how troubled you are... just because he will listen.
No longer a belief in love... a cringe in my stomach when i hear the word, a need to stay away from the opposite sex. Not knowing where you belong, whether getting home will make things better... not knowing where home is to begin with. Here? Or there? Or somewhere i haven't explored yet?
A longing for food, yet unable to eat... A craving for love, yet a fear of the word. Who really means it? Who says it to make you smile? Who says it because it makes them feel better?

Who says it to keep you with them?

- June 7th, 2007 -