Thursday, April 26, 2012

Another open door

The pain was too much to bear, she gave up and sat on the floor. Once again, her big red suitcase was being filled with the clothes and things that would fit that space.

Another move.

She should’ve gotten used to this by now, you would think. She sat against the door and let her tears flow free for just a few minutes. They wouldn’t appreciate her locking the door. Nor would they like seeing her cry. It would simply seem like she was being ungrateful because they did all they could to make her smile all these months.

She sat there remembering how, not so many years back, she had fought with her mom about how unfair it was that she couldn’t have her own room. Today, she would give anything to stop living out of this suitcase. What she wouldn’t give for some decent shelf space that lasted more than a month.

Her family has been split, by fate, into so many parts and so far away. She is too young for this. Yet no one seems to notice her need for the love she is missing out on. 23 is a rude age to be without your family to stand behind you and tell you that it’s all gonna be okay. How will she ever make it? Why should she believe that life gets better and that every Xmas is not going to be so cold? Why should she believe in forever, in love, in family?

She wipes away her tears and pulls herself up. Gets the last of her things and neatly stacks them in the bag. Looks in a mirror and sees a child who just grew up too soon. She rummages through her bag and finds her make-up. Puts on a fresh new layer to cover the bags under her eyes. Switches on her podette, plugs it in and listens to “Mustang Sally”. With a smile on her face she walks out yet another door.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

The last Descent

The dress was a perfect fit. It made her hips look perfect. Her breasts were full and sensuous, completing the curve that was deemed perfect. She finally noticed how much weight she'd lost over the past year. Last year, she wouldn’t have been able to sport this purple-sequined, clinging-to-her-body Armani. Her shoulders were bare and looked slightly slouched and so she straightened up. Smoothened a crease on the waistline and noticed him walk in.

She smiled at him through the mirror as he came to a halt right behind her. He had a look in his eyes, she realized, that she didn’t recognize. Maybe it was because it had been months since they looked at each other this way. Weeks since they had seen each other with the lights on. She regretted coming home so late every night. But she consoled herself by thinking, it was necessary, I know he understands. He helped her clip on the diamond necklace she was struggling with. And she smiled again. Again, he didn’t return it. She noticed the wrinkles for the first time tonight. He had bags under his eyes. She felt miserable about how she hadn't the time to hold him close and ask him about his day. Tonight, she promised herself, tonight she would give him the world and more. I’ll do all it takes to make him happier than he has ever been before. Now that the dust had finally settled, they could enjoy each other, again.

She took his arm and they calmly walked out the room. As they stood there atop the staircase, she looked out at her world. Everyone was there, her past, present and hopefully, her future too. She turned to her right and looked at her real world, tall and handsome. He made her feel 16 again. She smiled at him brightly and he didn't return it. She had been so distant lately that she could no longer tell what the stern look meant. He instantly knew how she felt and so he made it easy for her and said “I want a divorce.”

Being this new woman she had recently become, she didn’t show any hint of emotion to that. He doesn’t mean that! Or does he? She thought to herself and looked ahead at the guests. She just wanted to take a moment, to let what he said, sink in. But he wouldn't have that. He wanted this last night end as soon as it possibly could. So they began their decent down the white marble staircase, all throughout she kept smiling her best smile. No one was going to be allowed into the closet she was hiding her emotions in. She was shattering, one little piece at a time.

How could he do this tonight?

“Oh, what a lovely dress that is, darling.”

In front of everyone here, tonight?

“Congratulations! I’m so happy for you both”

After all we have been through. Tonight?

“Look how perfect they look together. You cant help but be jealous”

Just when everything has finally fallen into place. Tonight?

It was only 7 years ago, to this day, that he had promised to stick by her, through sickness and health, through the good times and the bad.

Then why, tonight?

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Stay...For all that was...

When you take something and crush it with your own hands, do you still have the right to be miserable about it? Even though you were aware that it was made of precious glass?

It cuts so deep, this pain.

We manage to hurt so many people, all at once. And I did this all myself.

I’m struggling in the sea that I threw myself into. Scared about the shark below and the water all around that will drown me, for I do not know how to swim. Nor do I know how to tackle a shark. I’m sunk.

Yesterday, we grew up. Nothing will bring us back. But I will stick to you like contact-adhesive.

Please stay, don’t go away. 

Thursday, April 19, 2012


A smile and I’d made a new friend
Another smile and it seemed like he’d known me from some place before
One more dimpled pull and my heart had been stolen
He stretched out his hands to me
And I accepted the love
He stood on my lap and touched my face
With his tiny hands
I seemed like something of a marvel to him
A laugh to make your heart melt,
At every funny face I made
A giggle, at every attempt to tickle,
that made the other passengers envy me for that moment
He had never known me
But the love in his eyes was unmistakable
He was content for just that minute
Not knowing any sorrow to come
Not knowing any fear of the future
Just for this minute
He wouldn’t let me go for his mother
Nor another
He stayed there the entire journey
Playing with my hair, listening to my music and smiling at me

When it was time to leave,
He stretched out his hands to his mother
And allowed her to take him away from me
I sensed his acceptance of departure
And my hesitation at the same

In just two hours of utter happiness,
He left with a smile and I with a tear

Sunday, April 8, 2012

I don't know why!

Why does it suddenly seem to me that no one is as excessively sensitive as I am? Its like the whole world is aware of how to turn the knob from nice to mean b***h, except me!

Let me introduce you to... Me. I am the most sensitive, naive, emotionally charged, hyperactive being you will come across in your short life span. At 22, I have mastered the art of throwing a tantrum. Once you know me, its hard to not see the real me. I figure "open book" is the right term to be used to describe it. I am Principal Moody of the Loonybin Academy for youngsters. I can go from "happy as a hyena" to "the xmas grinch" in seconds. It is very difficult for me to be straightforwardly rude to people who are close to me and have hurt me. I cry almost immediately about everything. I think too much about things and analyse them too much and yet somehow say stupid things that make me wish I had a cure for my foot in mouth syndrome. Sometimes, my excess-analysis causes me to not move to action for fear of my predictions coming true. I make these predictions based on my intuition and the excess-analysis helps here too. At 7am, I will be upbeat and happy about stupid things like how the bird sitting on the windowsill is not singing and by 9am, I have indefinitely found something to be miserable about and chances are, I will stay that way for the rest of the day. If I am mad at someone, and they are not around me, I will rehearse in front of the mirror all the things I will say to them, so many times over... that when I do see them, I have lost my frustration and am floored by the immense love I feel for them. And pah, they're forgiven for even "kissing another woman in bright daylight, by mistake, thinking her to be me". So in the bargain, I have lectured myself on stuff I want them to know. My anger is the most short-lived among all the women I know personally.

As you are aware of the fact that I am a woman, I do not need to tell you that we are complicated creatures by birth. I, for one, take up the task of turning my already messed up head into a Rolladeck of information about everything that does and does not concern me. If someone has a problem, I manage to make it my own problem and get way too involved in it. Unlike other women, for me, saying "No" is more of a task than dealing with getting "No" as an answer. There are a lot of things that make me different from other women like, I drive well and I detest shopping.

I am almost always unsure of what kind of style I want to carry. Some days I am a tomboy, some days a beach babe in flipflops and relaxed, while some days I like to look sophisticated. Either ways, I am never comfortable in whatever I so choose to go with. And I was flattered when the other day, a really hot chick said to me, "You know, you're the most classically pretty. You're a versatile beauty Al". It made me so confident that the next two days although I knew that my bohemian style was not being accepted by passersby, I was confident that I looked pretty! That hot chick happens to be my best friend and I know she isn't saying it "just for my ego boost" but because she means it.

I scare myself sometimes, you know. I wonder what kind of human being I am and how messed up my children are going to turn out if I keep at it. Here I go, thinking again. This line just brought back memories of my close friends naming my children "humus" and other names, which if I post here, might be rude according to atleast 5 different races. I often blame so many people for not taking the time to understand me, while I am well aware of the fact that its not an easy thing to learn how to do. I believe I should have a manual to help people do that!

My favourite line is a common one, "you just don’t understand me!". If I just had a dime for everytime I said that...