It has been a month and 19 days since I have seen you or heard from you... very cliché line to start with. I sit here wondering why I even bother about this, why the thought of you brightens my spirit for just a second and then pulls me back into the darkness for the next few hours. Why do I still trust that you might be able to make it better? It truly is absurd that you are still sticking around thinking that you can get away with this nonsense.
I saw so much potential in what we had. It wasn’t the first time I have seen potential in a relationship, isn’t the first time I thought it would last forever and ever. But what is different about you is that I still don’t get why, after all you have done, I still do see that same - or rather more - potential in you to stick with me to the end than the rest. Plus, it wasn't a relationship as far as I recall. Am I right? How did you put it... in all the things you wrote to me... let me get this right... you said I was "special". Oh hell, another... you know the word... cliché! You probably tell everyone that!
Very truthfully, you were the closest I ever got to perfect. Its an odd thing I say that when you also are the one person who has conveniently waltzed in and out of my life whenever you pleased. Is it fair to allow me to get myself into trouble while you sit and watch me untangle myself on my own? Yet you still are the one person who calmed me down the easiest. The only one who promised me not be judgmental of me. But I am being proved wrong, again.
Yes, I do drive people off the F****n' cliff. Yes, i do push them to the limit by being crazy/paranoid/moody/whinny/cranky all the time. But what I also do is stick with them through thick and thin. You have watched me for so many years, being the sweetheart that I am. Not thinking twice before being loving to anyone who needs love. I'd run to them in the wee hours of the night if that would make them feel better, and you of everyone would know that I’m not lying about this. You have seen it with your own two eyes! They cry, I weep. They lie in bed sick, I worry sick. They fall, I hurt. Yes, yes... a whole line of clichés again! But, true to the last word.
Where were you when I was weeping in pain and I needed your hand? I sat there on that plane that day, pretending to be okay, trying not to cry for fear that the world would give me a stare. Where were you when I was begging you to help me with my million problems?
And all this time I have been cranky and crazy only because you were such a mean person and I couldn’t get myself to say it to you. Cos you're god almighty, right? The all powerful! But I have a million questions I want answers to. Why, after all the effort you put into getting me back to trusting you, did you just throw it all away within a few days of getting me to love you again? I believed life was finally settled! And you just messed it up! I went crazy thinking why you wouldn’t bother to see what was in front of you and what you were doing to me? It got sick to the point when you just wouldn’t write back to me or answer me and I would feel stupid for that little while until my mind would take me to that place where you were the best to me and you cared... and the next day I was back to you... talking to you and again waiting for a reply that would never come. And no, I dont want the crazy answers you give to all of them... I want this to be personal. Just you and me... I am ready to take our relationship to the next level. And you just need to be as much a part of this bond as I am!
I love you, for all that you have given me till date. You have always been unconditional to me in the past. But I know now that my needs and wants are very elaborate. It is probably very upsetting for you when you cannot figure me out. Its everyone's complaint!
Now is when I need you the most. Be my companion on the bus while I get home, be beside me on the next treadmill, while I gym my fat away (I do still blame you for allowing me to get this fat). Make me be the strength that makes the world around me stand up tall. Make me the person I used to be a few years back, where I could put all my sorrows behind me in that closet and help the people I love the most. All you need to do, is hold my hand. Cos you love me and you promised me that you would love me till eternity. And I am doing all I can, to hold on to the silver lining in this dark cloud, to believe in you once again.
After all... You are God almighty right ;)
P.s. Now that I have been so sweet to you, can I get my new Blackberry soon.