I have a conscience finally!!! Yay me!
Dont think of me as crazy. I'm just you're average Jane who realizes things late in life. I am sure many people will agree with the end of that statement. :D
Its been there, existent, that voice, all throughout. But its been the annoying siren that always gets proven right, but by that time I have deliberately gone ahead and committed the exact contradictory act. Every human being, belonging to my strata of higher mortals with explicit reasons for survival, desires a friend; reason not primarily being for love and all that jazz. The reason is absurd, yet a fact. I know what I wanna do! Of course I know, this is Al you're talking about! I just simply want someone to contradict it so that my idea sounds impossible/dangerous/downright stupid, and hence, I have a stronger need to do it and find out the answer to the eternal question in my head, whats the worst that could happen?
All through my school and college, the job responsibility mentioned above, had been taken up by many-a-folk who decided it was their purpose on earth to make me a better, sensible person. I love all of them for helping me put my hand into the cookie-jar-filled-with-bees and for helping me, post my sticking-the-hand-in-the-jar experience, to take my hand out slowly, saving the jar for another mind-numbing, tear-filled, idiotic experiment. 'Nuf said?
When the growing up bit of my life finally kicked in, maturity and sensibility tagged along for the joy ride. Did me some good but kinda took the fun away from a load of things. Like lying. You lie and then apologize later. Where's the fun in that??? I now keep my hands to myself a little longer while I contemplate, "should I really reach out for the itch in my back?" and then actually go with the safer option. I hope I haven't lost my true self some where in this thing that we all face as higher beings on the food chain. I wanna be a wild lion when I see the cheesecake slice lying on my plate, as if it may suddenly grow feet out of nowhere and begin to run away from me. But I cant even eat that no more 'cos of the recent weight I have gained. See how my conscience's existence gets proved here? I am not doing this to myself, my stupid conscience is! I would never do this to me myself. I am just the silent accomplice in this horrendous crime.
I never thought saying that dreaded word would be so tough, while I have said it all my life to so many people. I had to say it to my mom, when she asked me if I wanted a donut. And after so many years of experience of saying it as a reply to her questions like, "would you clean your damn room?" or "Will you shut that television and go study?", you would think I could just get out there and say it simply. Considering "no" is a two letter word, its absurd that this is so tough and I have to force myself to say it! One question off the topic, why the hell do parents ask questions as if they want answers and when you answer them it gets them off the edge of that last existing nerve??? Do I look like I can tell the difference between rhetoric and real(if that's the opposite) at 12?
Now my conscience is asking me to go back to work. Again! I am not doing this to myself. It is the wicked-witch in the west of my brain who is the culprit. I want to sit here and entertain myself with the funny thoughts I am having while writing this. You see, the person I am does not find it necessary to entertain you at this point, its an entertaining act for me, to write about the first thought that I woke up with this morning.
You have fun, that's your issue. But you could let me know about it. If you want to, that is.
Dont think of me as crazy. I'm just you're average Jane who realizes things late in life. I am sure many people will agree with the end of that statement. :D
Its been there, existent, that voice, all throughout. But its been the annoying siren that always gets proven right, but by that time I have deliberately gone ahead and committed the exact contradictory act. Every human being, belonging to my strata of higher mortals with explicit reasons for survival, desires a friend; reason not primarily being for love and all that jazz. The reason is absurd, yet a fact. I know what I wanna do! Of course I know, this is Al you're talking about! I just simply want someone to contradict it so that my idea sounds impossible/dangerous/downright stupid, and hence, I have a stronger need to do it and find out the answer to the eternal question in my head, whats the worst that could happen?All through my school and college, the job responsibility mentioned above, had been taken up by many-a-folk who decided it was their purpose on earth to make me a better, sensible person. I love all of them for helping me put my hand into the cookie-jar-filled-with-bees and for helping me, post my sticking-the-hand-in-the-jar experience, to take my hand out slowly, saving the jar for another mind-numbing, tear-filled, idiotic experiment. 'Nuf said?
When the growing up bit of my life finally kicked in, maturity and sensibility tagged along for the joy ride. Did me some good but kinda took the fun away from a load of things. Like lying. You lie and then apologize later. Where's the fun in that??? I now keep my hands to myself a little longer while I contemplate, "should I really reach out for the itch in my back?" and then actually go with the safer option. I hope I haven't lost my true self some where in this thing that we all face as higher beings on the food chain. I wanna be a wild lion when I see the cheesecake slice lying on my plate, as if it may suddenly grow feet out of nowhere and begin to run away from me. But I cant even eat that no more 'cos of the recent weight I have gained. See how my conscience's existence gets proved here? I am not doing this to myself, my stupid conscience is! I would never do this to me myself. I am just the silent accomplice in this horrendous crime.
I never thought saying that dreaded word would be so tough, while I have said it all my life to so many people. I had to say it to my mom, when she asked me if I wanted a donut. And after so many years of experience of saying it as a reply to her questions like, "would you clean your damn room?" or "Will you shut that television and go study?", you would think I could just get out there and say it simply. Considering "no" is a two letter word, its absurd that this is so tough and I have to force myself to say it! One question off the topic, why the hell do parents ask questions as if they want answers and when you answer them it gets them off the edge of that last existing nerve??? Do I look like I can tell the difference between rhetoric and real(if that's the opposite) at 12?
Now my conscience is asking me to go back to work. Again! I am not doing this to myself. It is the wicked-witch in the west of my brain who is the culprit. I want to sit here and entertain myself with the funny thoughts I am having while writing this. You see, the person I am does not find it necessary to entertain you at this point, its an entertaining act for me, to write about the first thought that I woke up with this morning.
You have fun, that's your issue. But you could let me know about it. If you want to, that is.
2 comments:
Very random and mature writing my pet. me loves the hand in the cookie jar metaphor
So good to have u back n writing... Now that its back in action, i hope ur conscience tells u to not stop!
Here's a thought, Consciences are always going to get the better of us... If we did what it said - we're miserable thinking of what we said no to... And if we ignored the lil f**ker, it never fails to remind us that we brought it on ourselves!
So stay as young as possible for as long as possible, n don't let the cynics getcha! I adore u, in the words of good old Mr.Darcy, "just the way you are"... Lets not hurry the growing old!!
Loving the writing... Again, don't stop!
xx
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